#eighth overall 2024

[felixsxfreckles]

[leadoutlap]

MATTY J!!!!!!!

[jensthwa]

we can't be friends (CS x reader).

part of the love's an uncharted path universe ★.

SUMMARY:

San is your first love. He broke your heart and played with your feelings without even kissing you back when you two were in highschool. Now, many years later, you do your best to avoid crossing paths with him because there's just no way you could ever hate him, but there's also no way you two can be friends again. But his best friend is also one of your best friends, so there's only so much you can do to avoid San when he arranges a dinner you're forced to go to.

PAIRING: first love!choi san x afab reader.

GENRE: one shot (fluff, angst, smut)

WORD COUNT: 20k (yikes).

WARNINGS: SMUT ☽ (MINORS DNI) attempt !!! at comedy, unnecesary pinning, a looot of context, bad friends :(, some arguing, tension, drinking and drunk behavior, tears, making out, description of female anatomy, oral (f reciving), fingering, love making, pet names (babe, baby), flirty seonghwa, wooyoung being a little shit again but also a genius, gyuri almost commiting a crime.

NOTES: hi everyone! this is a lenghty one, i know, but trust me when I say the context is necessary to understand what reader goes through with san. also, some of this may or may not have happened to me (have fun figuring out which part) (it's quite obvious tbh). THIS IS PART OF THE SHOW AND TELL UNIVERSE BUT CAN BE READ AS A STAND ALONE, even though there's some references and characters that you can only know if you read s&t lol. this is 100% self indulgent, as all fics should be, and i think i've re-read it so many times that if you find a typo or something that just doesn't make sense, you can blame it on english not being my first language i guess lmao. i hope you enjoy it and if you do feel free to send/reblog/type in any feedback or thoughts! <3

POSTED: august 06 2024.

permanent taglist: @hotteokkay, @potatomountain, @fairylover68

masterlist.

You and Choi San go way back. 

Well, it's nine years way back? You were only fourteen when you first saw him. 

He moved back to your area of the city a year after you moved from an entirely different one. You thought you knew every school secret there ever was, provided by your new best friend, Gyuri, but she didn't tell you about him at all. 

She claimed that it was because he didn't cause any stir the years they studied together before and after spending a whole first period in your eighth grade classroom with him at the back of the class, silently taking notes, you couldn't phantom why.

He was great at every subject, seemed to have a lot of popular friends and was, overall, a pretty nice guy. He was also very cute, skinny but you could tell he was the kind of guy who played a sport outside of school hours and he had a cute pair of dimples that showed everytime you scanned the classroom just to lay eyes on him. 

Choi San was a perfect boy to crush on, even a perfect guy just to have as eye candy during recess. You felt really strongly about him, not really forming a full opinion although your gut told you right away you were right. There was something about him… but you only figured that something until later, next year, starting your ninth grade. 

Gyuri and you were avid readers. Precocious girls, with minds way above your age. All your teachers praised came laced with the same compliment so you both decided that was the truth. You rejoiced in it, thinking you shared things in common with the grown ups and decided that that was the key to feeling a little superior in comparison to the rest of your classmates, who neither of you liked very much. 

Until they all decided to start dating each other and you two realized you were nothing but two kids with great imaginations and a love for school, praise and fictional men that couldn't be translated to the real world without sounding delusional and weird. 

So you decided to do something about it. And so, on a random Tuesday recess, you two scanned the crowd trying to find two boys (or a boy and a girl, because you always knew you liked girls too) worthy of your affections. One for her, one for you. Bonus points if the two of them were also best friends, of course. 

Double dates were all the buzz at the time anyways. 

Besides, only then they could understand the bond you and Gyuri had. Sisterhood like no other, nevermind Gyuri actually had an older sister and a niece at the ripe age of fifteen. 

And so when your index finger scanned the crowd and eliminated at least three potential crushes before landing on Choi San, you felt like it was meant to be. 

You see, his best friend, Jung Wooyoung, was perfect for Gyuri to crush on. He was almost as tall as she was at the time and his easy, outgoing personality was compatible with her book crush at the time as well. 

He also flirted with her on several occasions before that. 

So it was meant to be. 

Choi San, on the other hand, had never even glanced in your direction before. 

Just like your book crush did before he fell in love with the main character. 

See? Meant. To. Be. 

It was decided then that, although Choi San was not going to be your first crush ever, he was going to be the guy that motivated you to be at school for the time being, because math gets really boring after trying and failing at least ten times. 

You thought nothing of it when it felt a little forced, when you couldn't blush at all at the sight of him and you gathered that it didn't need to happen like in the books you read. You simply needed to say his name when someone asked you if you had a crush on anyone and that was enough to be in symphony with the rest of your classmates. 

Your longing glances were caught once or twice by him and you brushed the weird flip your stomach did everytime he looked away, blushing a little. You never really cared when it happened, really, knowing his crowd and your crowd (Gyuri and you) would never even cross paths in the first place. 

You two kept to yourselves and your little book unofficial book club, sitting on the floor at lunch time and cursing everyone who dared to call you weird for it. San and Wooyoung had a crowd of people at the loudest table laughing with them over stupid teen jokes and, uh, sports? You didn't even know. 

And then the unimaginable happened. 

Jung Wooyoung sat down, criss cross applesauce and everything, in front of you on a random Monday afternoon while you and Gyuri discussed the english assignment due next period. 

Gyuri was not too excited about that. 

Turns out, the only one excited to have a crush at school was you. She was very much still in the Lonely Hearts Club phase while you skipped all the way to your The Notebook phase and she was, in her own words, too afraid to admit it when you came up with your crush plan. 

You forgave her, of course, and decided to wait for her as long as needed because you were certainly not about to be an individual and have a crush on your own. 

And by the time Wooyoung smiled at you both and introduced himself to you, like you weren't in the same class for a year already, you thought your pretend crush on his best friend evaporated and joined the void superficial and fleeting interests you had. 

But then Choi San sat beside him, his knee brushing against yours in the process, and you knew you would have to issue a formal apology to your best and only friend for leaving her behind on this little thing. 

Because, oh boy, were you crushing on Choi San. 

You felt the blush rush to your cheeks and then fell silent while your friend and his friend discussed Fifty Shades of Grey for some reason you never cared enough to discover and you knew you were done for.

It was the first time seeing his dimples in full action, so close to you, so you completely stopped functioning all together. Amazing. 

When you decided to have a crush, you never took into account that you were, actually, quite shy. And he really wasn't, but you noticed that he knew when to talk and what to say and with your friend being a lot more outgoing that you were it gave you the comfort that she would speak for the both of you while you admired from the sidelines as your little duo became a group of friends you still miss deeply to this day. 

He was funny and you laughed at your jokes even though you pretended to be tired and completely worn out by the school day, resting your head on Gyuri’s shoulder and stealing glances at the boy while she kept arguing with his best friend. 

Wooyoung was popular and liked enough to have a few people sit with you later that week, people who never even knew you existed before that. They were good friends with San as well, so you tried your best to keep up with everyone until she sat down next to you one day. 

Arin was not really a bad person. She just was a bit conceited, calling herself princess type of conceited and you never really related to her even if she was nice to you to your face. She was absolutely gorgeous and, you found out with Wooyoung’s arm around your shoulder and a whisper to your ear, she had been San’s crush since they were both in elementary school. 

That would explain the sudden tension at the table when she sat down next to you, said hello to everyone, offered you a sweet she just bought from the cafeteria, and stared at San for the remainder of lunch time. 

You also noticed Wooyoung glaring at her a little and he later explained to you that he didn't really like her all that much. She loved attention and San gave her attention, so she would intentionally flirt with him to get her ego stroked in return. 

It didn't really matter how he felt about the girl, though, he didn't have to like her just because his best friend did. And when you caught her batting her eyelashes at San, you knew you didn't even stand a chance.

You tried to hide the disappointed look on your face but both Gyuri and Wooyoung looked at you while the two of them flirted endlessly for the remainder of lunch time and you figured you were doing a pretty shitty job at it. He didn't glance at you once either way, so it didn't really matter. 

Arin did but she just complimented your eyes and then started a conversation with someone across the table, her annoying sweet and fake voice making your right ear ring in disapproval. 

Either way, you ended up becoming her friend. Gyuri was not very fond of her and neither were you, but you all went to the bathroom together, did your makeup together, did school projects together and then sat everyday at lunch together with the rest of the guys who were, in one way or another, trying to get her to like them. 

Because, once again, she was a sight for sore eyes. 

It wasn't until later, in the middle of the year, that one of them did. Not Choi San, but Choi Yeonjun. 

You remember the day you found out they were together and the gut wrenching concern you felt when you found out that San was not at school that day. 

It was after summer break, you remember Wooyoung telling you that San and his family took a few more days of vacation and if you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw the new couple sharing a sweet kiss at the designated lunch table, you could only imagine how San felt the next day when he saw the same image right in front of him. 

Yeonjun was his friend, right? He knew about his crush and decided to get together with her anyways. Surely, San was devastated. 

But he wasn't. He just cheered them on and then laughed along when Yeonjun shoved his arm playfully after the hollering. 

But you saw through it. 

Your crush on San made you observant. Made you believe you knew him better than everyone else and so, after lunch, you took out your phone and pulled up the notes app. Writing a simple “are you okay?” in it and passing it to him the next second, you were surprised with yourself before you saw him frown a bit. And then he understood what you meant. 

Nodding, he passed you the phone back, before giving you a reassuring smile that you treasured in your heart and saw in your dreams. 

You didn't believe him, though, but stayed close enough to everything related to the situation to hold Arin in your arms when Yeonjun inevitably broke her heart. 

Starting your tenth year, he moved back to his city and decided to play the I thought we weren't even that serious card on her. Which was nasty, considering love it's very, very serious for a sixteen year old girl. 

By this point, you were all a little family and hanging out after school and on the weekends was not unusual, so it didn't surprise you when Arin invited you, and only you, to her house after choir practice on a Thursday. 

She lent you her older sister’s clothes to wear (because her's would never fit you. Her words, not yours) and took you to a walk in the park just to break your heart for the first time ever. 

“You know… I thought love was something I couldn't find in highschool anymore. But San it's really making an effort, you know? He's been there for me ever since Yeonjun left and… Well, I think he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend tomorrow.” 

Grasping the park bench she forced you to sit at, you only nodded and let out a shuddering breath that gave away what she was trying to figure out since earlier that day. 

“I'll say yes but only if you say it's okay to do so.” 

Arin was not really your friend, the same way Yeonjun was not really San’s friend. 

Because there's no way you would ever be okay with it. 

And yet, you tried your best to give her a smile and pretend the sound of your heart breaking didn't bring tears to your eyes “Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be?” 

A week later, they were officially dating. The rumors spread around like a wildfire and it took out of you with everyone calling San a nasty rebound and you doing your best to prioritize the ghost of the friendship you had with him. That whole fiasco lasted a few months. 

Months in which your friendship with everyone just grew stronger. Gyuri was still your best friend, Wooyoung was crushing on her hard and everyone knew, Arin and San were a steady couple, a new girl joined your class that year, named Yeri, and the principal assigned her to you because she thought you two would get along really well. 

“I like girls,” was like, the third thing she ever told you while you were showing her the school “I'm just telling you now because I don't plan on hiding it and you are wearing a pride pin.” 

“Oh, that's cool. I like girls too,” you smiled, looking at your pride pin “I didn't hide it either and no one gave me shit about it, so, don't worry.” 

Yeri also liked the mainstream music that you liked and soon she became a new addition to your group. And with Arin spending all of her free time with San, you, Gyuri and Yeri only grew closer and closer. You didn't have Arin’s voice in your ear telling you the million reasons she found Yeri uncool, but you saw it in her face every time the table laughed at one of Yeri’s jokes. 

And so, it went on for a while: 

Your mom driving all of you around in her car to the beach, to dinner, to the movies and letting you have mixed sleepovers at your house (meaning you, Arin, Gyuri, Wooyoung, Yeri and San) was fun and all, but it was not enough to distract yourself entirely. Everytime you glanced at the couple, that sinking feeling in your chest would appear and sulk your whole mood for, at least, fifteen minutes.  

Fifteen minutes of pretending you were okay with them before forgetting completely for an hour or so and then the cycle would repeat until you were alone staring at the ceiling and doing your best to not cry about it.

All it took was your first kiss being Yeri of all people for you to decide that it was time to retire your crush for Choi San once and for all. 

And for a while, it all went according to plan. You decided to tell Gyuri that it was okay because he was your friend first and the guy that you liked second and that you were not fourteen and desperate for love anymore, that it was time to go on with your life as if nothing really happened in the first place. 

You were hooking up with Yeri anyways, so it seemed like you were doing just fine. 

You grew closer to San as well and even though he mostly talked to you about Arin and whatever tantrum she was throwing at the time, you really started to feel some sense of normalcy within you when it came to just speaking to him. 

You no longer blushed when he made you laugh, you no longer looked at him with the longing of a past life lover and you were really happy for him because, at the end of the day, he was really happy with his relationship. 

Until winter break came around and Arin decided to give San his first heartbreak ever. 

She decided to call for a break in their relationship because she was, in his words, too overwhelmed with the amount of love and attention she was getting from him. 

Which was completely fucking insane considering the fact she forced him to save her contact as Princess Arin and all. 

So naturally, you sided with him. And she didn't take it to heart because everyone knew you liked San anyways. 

She told you the news herself through Facebook after asking you to explain to her the English assignment due next day and then she decided to tell you something you'll never understand because you no longer are on speaking terms with her: 

Princess Arin: u know i broke up with him because of u right? :) 

Princess Arin: one day I'll tell u all abt it. 

She never told you anything about it. And by then, you were starting your last year and San was your best friend who hung out with you everyday after school, calling you late at night and helping you with assignments through Skype. So you didn't really care. 

And as the day passed, you started understanding the connection they talked about in books and movies. You thought you did before, Gyuri being your eternal person in this world, but it felt so different with San. 

Different and good. Different and achy enough for you to want to keep it in your life. 

Your dynamic was friendly, sure, but it was alright. It consisted of banter and daring stares as well as laughter and soft moments you treasured till this day. 

“It's way too early to be this annoying, Choi San.” 

“Oh, you think this is me being annoying?”

You both got an hour of detention for disturbing the class that day. 

You loved it. 

But then, after almost a month of picking up the broken pieces of his heart one by one, and your mother giving him a self-help book to make him regain the confidence he lost during the breakup process, you realized that you were in love with him and there was nothing you could do about that. 

You noticed one friday afternoon, when he offered to pay for your and your mom's ice cream at the drive through, when he scrambled to get all the change he had on him to leave a tip for the person who handed you guys the sweet treat, that there was no way you didn't love him. 

And it was confusing as fuck when everyone else started to tell you he had feelings for you as well. 

“Think about it. You text each other good morning everyday” Yeri listed with her finger and you nodded “Then, you go to school, sit together and spend the rest of the day together” another nod “Then after school you either go get ice cream together or hang out for a bit with your mom while she drives him home. And after that, you get on Skype for the reminder of the afternoon and then he calls you on your house phone and you two spend the rest of the night talking before falling asleep on the line together,” she looked at you like you were insane for even denying the accusations made against San, but she continued anyway “And then it's rinse and repeat and it has been that way since… What? Three months ago?” 

You nodded again, defeated. 

“Girl, he likes you.” she sighed, annoyed and a little tired, before sitting on your lap and kissing your lips affectionately “And you're here making out with me instead of him. You really are a lost cause.”

That didn't stop you from hooking up with her until she found a girl who's heart was not reserved for someone else, though. Said girl went to a different school and was a year younger than all of you, but she looked very happy and stopped secretly kissing you in the school bathroom like a week after they met. 

And when she finally told everyone, you were really happy for her, but San not so much. 

It was the night you thought everything was about to change. The night you thought he was about to kiss you or you were about to kiss him, whatever happened first. 

Laying in your bed, facing each other in the dim light, he thought it was the biggest form of betrayal and pouted the whole time he explained to you why. 

He thought you liked her and you realized he didn't really pay attention to you after all. Not the way you did with him. 

Bless his heart. 

You didn't kiss him that night because he wouldn't shut up about you and Yeri. 

“I mean, why couldn't it be you? She clearly liked you if you two were hooking up for over a year” and when his hand came to rest on your back, under your shirt, you breath hitched enough for him to notice it but not enough for him to just don't do anything about it except trace the curve of your silhouette with the pad of his thumb “I don't understand why anyone would pass the opportunity to be with you.” 

Huh. Maybe he did have feelings for you. 

No. He's just being a great best friend. Don't take that for granted. 

But it was impossible for you not to take Yeri’s words seriously as time went on. 

You didn't want to think he was giving you mixed signals, but yet again there was that one time when you reached behind your passenger seat in your mothers car to pinch his leg playfully after he pulled on your hair a little bit from behind, only to end up holding his hand the rest of the car trip to his house. 

His fingers slowly caressing the back of your hand were just too much for you not to get everything mixed up. 

Or that other time when your school held a Woman's Day event, and your class president decided that all the boys in the class were going to give roses to the girls.

When it was your turn to get a rose, you knew no one would give you one. But Yeri stood in line and collected a rose from the bin before the class president had the opportunity to say anything else. 

“I'll take that, thank you very much.” She turned to you, smiling. San blocked her way to you a second after. 

“And just what do you think you're doing?” 

“Giving my best girl a rose, of course.” She peeked around him, giving you a wink that you could only roll your eyes to. 

San turned to you, the fondness in his eyes making you question the decision of not pretending to be sick that day. It was too much for you to handle. 

“To the back of the line, then. I already called dibs on her,” he turned to your friend, snatching the rose from her hand in one swift move “I'll take that, thank you very much.” 

He had no idea what that meant to you back then. It was true that, at school, he behaved a little differently than when you two were alone. 

He was athletic, so he had some friends that you were sure used to ask him what the fuck was he doing wasting his time with a girl like you instead of getting a new girlfriend. 

He had a family that didn't approve of yours, too. You felt it the first time you met his mom and, even though she was nice to you and your mom, you could feel the judgemental stare she gave both of you when your mom told her she was a single parent. 

San told you that it didn't really matter, that his mom didn't have to like you because you weren't her friend, you were his. 

He played with your feelings a little too well. Wanting him, adoring him and letting yourself be consumed by the thought of him loving you back was enough to keep it going. To ignore the fluttering way your heart kept beating whenever he talked to you which was all the time. 

You assumed the way he behaved with you in private was the real him. The one who didn't care about appearances or his family approval. 

The one who cared about you. 

It was dizzying and fantastic and you thought he just might've been the love of your life. 

But then he would tell you how much it hurted when he saw Arin at school and how much he missed her, the intimacy they shared before, and reality would come crashing down and setting your delusions on fire again. 

He had sex with Arin. You would never stand a chance. 

Or so you thought he did. Except when you overheard Arin speaking to her friends and that was the first time you ever got mad at Choi San.

“And, you know, me and San were never intimate like that so I wouldn't know but I think boys have no idea how to please a woman if they tried to.” 

What? 

Oh. So he lied to you. 

And you were so upset by the thought of him making up stories of their intimate time together that it didn't even cross your mind that Arin might've been lying to save face. 

So when he came back from the bathroom and sat at his usual desk in front of you, you didn't even think about his feelings when you decided to treat him like shit for lying about something so important like sex to your face. 

“Leave me alone, San! I don't want to fucking talk to you right now!” 

The hurt expression he gave you after that is one you would never be able to forget. 

But you grew to be stubborn and a little overprotective of your own feelings, so you thought him playing the part of your best friend all these months and sweet talking to you was just another one of his lies. 

“You guys not being friends right now doesn't make any fucking sense, sweetheart.” Wooyoung's tone is careful and laced with affection, but you knew he was playing the devil's advocate on behalf of San. With his arm around Gyuri’s shoulder (by that point, they were a thing for over two months) you could swear you saw him smirk when the nickname brought a scowl to your face. 

He might've been worried, but he was also a little shit. 

“You really are going to let Arin ruin what you two have?” Your best friend was, of course, on your side. But she was your best friend for a reason and her love included pointing out when you were behaving like an infant at the age of seventeen and a half. 

“You two are practically dating and you're going to let the evil ex-girlfriend get in the way? Over something you weren't even supposed to hear in the first place? Come on.” 

Again, Wooyoung was a little shit. And you were so upset about everything that you shyness couldn't even help the fury behind your reply: 

“Stop saying that! We are not practically dating, he's in love with Arin and I'm not sure I even like him like that anymore!” Getting tired of everyone and their mother (your mother) feeding your delusions, you came to the conclusion that putting a stop to your friendship with Choi San was for the best. 

And, in doing so, you ended up breaking your own heart for the second time in your life. 

But he didn't put up an easy fight at all. You remember the feeling of pure joy when he grabbed your hand on the way to the cafeteria one day, pulling you so hard you almost ended up sitting in his lap, and the way his pleading eyes begged you to listen to him one last time. 

“Us not being friends doesn't feel right, Y/N…” he said and the word he used to categorize what both of you had hurted you, but you pushed the feeling away “Please, let's not fight anymore. I don't even know what happened, but I forgive you for yelling at me and I hope you forgive me for whatever it is you think I did.” 

Of course, you forgave him the next second without thinking too much about it. And for a while, everything went back to normal. You Skyped as usual and occasionally you let your other friends join the call even though it didn't really feel like it used to before. 

The next thing you knew, your feelings were in full bloom again and when you realized it, it was too late. 

Because by then, you had already let your childhood friend, Sunhee, join a few Skype calls and by the fourth one she invited her friend, Minseo, to them as well. 

Terrible, terrible mistake. Because even through the screen, you could see that Minseo looked a lot like Arin with the added bonus that she was down to earth and cool and liked the same things San liked.

You liked the same things San liked as well, but it never seemed to matter. 

Because not even two months after you decided to stop talking to San over a lie you weren't supposed to find out in the first place and then became friends one more time, he gets together with Minseo and you're sick to your stomach all over again. 

You hated her. Not because she was, suddenly, his girlfriend (not girlfriend girlfriend, but in a friends with benefits arrangement you never even knew why he agreed on in the first place) but because suddlenly she was so fucking obnoxious and didn't seem to like you either. 

Was it not painfully obvious San didn't have feelings for you? Why was she mad at you then? You literally brought them together! 

And all you got in return was her telling him she didn't feel comfortable with him having a girl best friend. That ungrateful bitch. 

He stopped calling. He stopped texting, he stopped carpooling with you and your mom after school and he stopped caring whether your math assignment was done or not. 

He stared pulling away more and more and it didn't matter how hard you tried to get him to talk to you, it seemed like he never really fucking cared about you in the first place. 

And by may that year, you didn't speak to San anymore. Granted, the only person he did speak to was Wooyoung, but even their friendship was falling apart. 

For the first time ever, San broke your heart firsthand. And it felt really, really fucking bad. 

You cried to your mom about it, she reminded you that you were nothing but a great friend to him and that, if he didn't take the time to appreciate that, that was his loss not yours. 

And she started hating him from that moment on. But you couldn't hate San, not even a little bit. 

Why would you hate him for not liking you back? For not loving you the way you loved hi— 

Your laptop closes down right in front of you and when you try to look up to find out who's responsible for interrupting your writing time, you get interrupted again. 

“Ouch! What the fuck, Gyuri?” the slap to the back of your head is quick and fill with rage. 

“What the fuck are you even writing. I can read from here, you know?” 

“I'm just laying my feelings down and— Ouch! Stop that!” You try to hit her back but she turns away quickly when your hands almost knock her coffee mug out of hers. 

“You can't possibly still have love for San, Y/N. It's been years.”

It's been four and a half, to be precise. But who's counting, right? 

“And why are you writing it in third person? You don't usually do that.” 

“I don't really know, Gyuri!” 

“I’m telling you, this celebratory dinner bullshit it's affecting you way more than it should,” she sighs, plopping down on the couch of your shared living room, and you leave your seat at the table to join her “He might not even show up. He has that thing with Kyungmi.” 

Kyungmi. 

You couldn't get to that part on your open document, but San left Minseo when he met Kyungmi at one of the frat parties they love to attend. Wooyoung told you that he said that it was love at first sight and you even met her briefly when you picked Gyuri up from the apartment he and San got when they started college together. 

She’s gorgeous and doesn't look like Arin or Minseo at all. It’s a different type of gorgeous. She's a year older than San and went to the same school as them and Gyuri. 

You think you might even like her better than him. 

You tried to be happy for San when you found out, but you two barely even speak a word to each other and you convinced yourself a while ago that you couldn't care less if he sees right through you and your fake smiles. 

You gathered, after everything happened, that San knew you liked him and took advantage of that. Unintentionally, but he did anyway. 

You sigh, resting your head on your best friend's shoulder. “It’s his best friend's celebratory dinner, though, he needs to be there.” 

Two seconds pass and then you both say it at the same time: “He’s in love.” 

And when San is in love, he has a one track mind with the name of his lover as the goal. 

You nod, but you can't help but to be insistent “It's Wooyoung's celebratory dinner, he needs to show up, right?” 

“I might not even show up, he's a pain in the ass.” She replies but you can tell her annoyance is not genuine and it makes you smile. 

Gyuri and Wooyoung broke up towards the end of your first year of college but you all stayed close friends. A one year relationship was not enough to fuck up the friendship they had and they decided to stay civil until, eventually, they became close friends again. 

To this day, you wonder why you and San couldn't rekindle your friendship when it became clear to you that you missed your friend and not the guy that you liked. 

Because San was always your friend first and your first love second. 

But it doesn't really matter anymore, because Gyuri is forcing you to shower and reminding you that you two need to keep Wooyoung on his best behavior tonight. 

“That girl he used to like before me is going, he said. I looked her up, she's single and he needs to get together with her because I can't take him whining about it anymore.” 

They keep things with each other way too civil, you think. 

“I'm telling you, if we don't show up he's going to do that thing where he gets drunk and makes a fool of himself. I can't have that, I'm on a mission.” 

“A mission to get your ex laid?” You ask, shampooing your hair. 

“A mission to get him a girlfriend so he can stop crying to me about feeling lonely.” 

“Maybe he wants you guys to—” The shower curtain opens and you see your best friend’s scowl before covering yourself up with your hands. 

“Gyuri!”

“Don't you dare say what you were about to say or I'm divorcing you.” 

You chuckle “Sure you are.”

You're left alone again with the water stream and she goes back to do her makeup “I told you back in ninth grade that we weren't a great fit and I was right. We can't get back together,” she sighs “It'll ruin everything.” 

“I doubt it will but you guys have been friends longer than you were boyfriend and girlfriend, so I'll just have to deal with my parents being divorced and civil.” 

“God, don't ever refer to us like that again— Oh! Speaking of parents,” you see her beam at her phone when you move the shower curtain to search for your towel and then she shows it to you “Mingi and Love just celebrated their one year anniversary!” 

Love being Mingi’s best friend. Gyuri talks to you about her college friend group all the time. The drama fuels your dinner conversations, you even follow a few of them on social media. 

“What does that have to do with parents?”

“They're the mom and dad of the group.” 

San is in that friend group, you can see him in the back of the picture and you recognize his apartment layout too. He's not the main focus of it but he's all you can see until you notice the couple sitting near him on the couch. 

The picture shows both of them, her in his lap and Mingi looking at her with stars in his eyes. 

Good for them. 

“Is that the girl he was friends with forever before they finally realized that they were in love?” 

“Yeah,” she sighs in contempt, looking down at the picture again “I was there the day it happened. I mean, not physically with them, but they left Yunho's party together and I told Wooyoung that it was finally about to happen!”

Gyuri is not a romantic person at all. Her excitement shows you that she really loves them and so you soften at the news that would usually give you and your dry love life a headache “It was the day before you called me to get you out of that awful date.” 

Ah, that also happened back then. You shudder at the memory.

“Tell them I say congrats, babe.” 

“I'm bringing you as my plus one.” 

You laugh, confused “To where?” 

“Their wedding, duh.” 

“They practically just got together,” you remind her, a year is not enough time to propose “And I don't really know them, Gyuri!” 

“They love you,” she assures you as you step out of the shower “I have been speaking about your antisocial ass for years. They can't wait to meet you.” 

“So you've been shit talking behind my back for years? Is that what I'm hearing?” 

She laughs “No, babe, that's Wooyoung's job.” 

Clearing your throat and looking at your friend through the mirror, you try to be as nonchalant as you can when you ask: “Has he… Did he tell you if…” 

“No, Y/N, I have no clue if San is going or not and Wooyoung is actually mad at him at the moment.” 

“Why?” 

She looks at you, sighing “He's been lacking as a friend lately.” 

“Hm.” 

“I hope you're not planning on swooning if you see him. Fuck him, Y/N.” 

“I know…” 

“And by fuck him I mean he doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness.” 

“He didn't do anything to me, Gyuri,” you remind her, shrugging “Not reciprocating my feelings is not a crime so I don't have to forgive him for anything.” 

You can practically feel her starting the San hate train engine, so you step out of the bathroom but her voice follows you. 

“And what about that time he ditched you for Minseo when you asked him to go with you to that medical appointment, huh?” 

“Cut it out, Gyuri…” 

But her head peaks around the corner, into the hall where you're rushing towards your room “Or that time when—” 

“Can't hear you!” Turning to look at her, she gives you an affectionate middle finger and heads back to the bathroom.

Closing the door, you lean into the thin wood and sigh, getting San’s face out of your mind so you can focus on getting ready and actually show up for Wooyoung and Wooyoung only. 

He just got a permanent position after completing his internship at a company that's your company's rival. He's going to crush you and steal clients from you but you are genuinely so happy for him. 

You should've guessed he enjoyed books as much as you did back in highschool. The debates he used to have with Gyuri were not all about flirting with her but also because he has a passion for books. 

And now he's going to work in the same field as you.

You're so proud of your friend. 

As you get ready, you remember the excitement cruising through your body when your boss trusted you enough to give you the first manuscript of a new client so you could edit it. You're sure Wooyoung is going to do better than you, taking into account that he actually went to college for this. 

You didn't. 

You met your boss at the part-time job you got in senior year, when you were trying to distract yourself from all the pain and the horrors of becoming a grown up. She was chatty, got a little too drunk on soju and told you she was starting her own book publishing company. 

When she returned months later after remembering that you told her you loved books and would love to work for as a publisher one day, she offered you a job in her company right after graduating highschool. 

You took it because you didn't think an opportunity like this would show up ever again. 

She was truly a blessing, the kind of person you never really believed in until she taught you all you needed to know about publishing and editing and encouraged you to take online classes during the nights so you could get, at least, a certification on what you do. 

You're proud of yourself too. The opportunity found you in a specific moment of your life where both your heart and your self esteem were destroyed and now you're not the person you used to be. 

Maybe that's why the possibility of facing San makes you so nervous. Collective memories are dangerous because the details never match the ones on the other person's head. 

You know who you were back then but… Are you the same person in San’s head? 

You don't even want to find out. 

Scanning your outfit in the mirror for the last time, you take the shoes you're wearing tonight out of your closet and walk over to the living room. 

Only to find Gyuri laying on the carpet under the coffee table, half dressed and on her phone. 

“You're going to mess up your hair.” 

“I don't care, I'm not going.” 

Sighing, you seat down on the couch and staring at the wood of the table covering her face. 

“What happened now?” 

“The bitch canceled!” 

“Wooyoung?” 

Poking her head out, she frowns at you “No, his first love.” 

“You were his first love.” 

“You know what I'm talking about, Y/N!” 

Laughing at her, you offer her your hand “Get dressed. Who cares if she's not going? He's not going to sulk because he's going to have you and his best friends there.” 

She whines like a child when you pull her up from the floor “I had a plan!” 

“Then make a new one, babe. We're going to be late.” 

She starts to whine again but then stops mid-groan to give you a once over. You shift uncomfortably on your feet, suddenly self-conscious about your appearance for the first time in years. 

“You look really hot…” she tells you and you fake gag at her words “Really pretty. Like a fairy and a smoke show at the same time.” 

You can't possibly look like that when you have such a simple outfit on, floor length high waist black pants and a flowy sleeve top that ties in the middle. It's barely formal but now you're thinking too hard about it. 

Blushing, you wave your hand to dismiss her compliment “Oh, my god. Go and change!” 

She rushes to her room on the opposite end of the hall and you finally breathe, looking down at your choice of fit and wondering if it's too much. 

Gyuri would've told you if that's the case, but either way it haunts your mind in the car on the way there, leg bouncing up and down under your best friend's judging gaze that only softens when you pout at her. 

“They are going to love you, babe. I'm so serious, they've been waiting years to meet you.” 

You nod because, yes, you're concerned that her friend group is not all as welcoming as she paints them to be. 

And you wish your doubts would go away but you're really, really not good at making friends. You're cautious, extremely closed off to new people and not as good with conversation no matter how much confidence you gained over the past years. 

When you walk to the loudest table at the laid back restaurant their friend Seonghwa made the reservation at, you think you won't be able to fit in with everyone else. You feel like an intruder, like Gyuri is supposed to enjoy this part of her life without you here. 

That's why you rejected every invitation they ever made. 

You celebrate birthdays with her, with Woo as well, but it's all very intimate and separate from their social circle, the one that includes the man you haven't fully faced in years. 

But you can't exactly back out now, not when one of them turns to you and seems to light up when they see you. 

“Oh? Is this her?” you recognize Hongjoong from pictures, he's the only one facing you when you approach the table, lowkey hiding behind Gyuri like a child. 

“Who?” 

“Huh?”

San is nowhere to be seen. Thank god. 

Slowly, everyone turns around and you see their faces light up with both delight and surprise. Your heart is pounding, you feel it in your throat, in your eyes, in the heat that colors your cheeks. 

But Gyuri just steps aside and presents you with a smile “This is her!” 

“Oh, Y/N!” Wooyoung gets up, rushing towards you and crashing into your frame with a crushing hug “I'm so glad you're here,” he murmurs into your hair and then turns to his friends, quiet them down “Everyone, this is Y/N, one of my best friends in the entire world.” 

He's such a dramatic human being.

You love him so much. 

Raising your hand, you shyly wave at them “Hi.” 

The entire table erupts with joy. Some of them greet you, some of them are saying that they are happy to be finally meeting you and Wooyoung grabs your arm and plops you down into the seat next to Gyuri, at the edge of the table. 

Laughing, you apologize for not meeting them sooner and then you feel a pair of hands on your shoulders. 

Panic raising, you quickly turn around to see who it is before releasing a shuddering, but calmer, breath. 

“She's a very busy woman, guys. She works for the competition, my competition,” everyone gasps at that but Wooyoung is smiling at you “and she's very good at what she does. Which means she's busy, get off her case,” he puts a glass and a can of beer in front of you “Drink, babe.” 

“Thanks, babe.” You whisper back and he leans in to peck your head before going away. 

Gyuri groans “Stop stealing that from us! It's our thing, Y/N, don't indulge him.” 

“It's his celebratory dinner…” you argue with a laugh that Hongjoong and Mingi follow. 

“Yeah! Can you get off my case tonight, Gyuri?” 

She huffs, wrapping her arms around you “I hate you all.” 

“No you don't!” 

The table laughs and everyone returns to their individual conversations when Woo sits down on his spot. 

There's a few seats left, one besides Mingi and one right in front of you but you don't think too much about it because soon Gyuri gets up to ask Yeosang something and Seonghwa occupies her seat right beside you. 

You think he can sense that you're more shy than you let on, because he doesn't include you in whatever he and Yunho were talking about and waits until he stops talking to him to turn to you. 

“So, you work for a publishing company?” 

The question caughts you off guard and you swallow the beer quickly before nodding “Y-yeah, I… Yeah.” 

He chuckles “You're nervous.” 

“I'm just not as good at meeting people as Gyuri is. She usually does the job and I tag along.” 

“I feel like I know you already, though.” He says, leaning back on his chair. 

“Because she talks a lot about me?” he nods “Yeah, she tends to do that.” 

“Wooyoung also talks a lot about you, San too… Sometimes,” your cheeks heat up and he misinterprets what it means “All good things, I promise.” 

You doubt that. 

Your brain gives you a hundred and one possible things San could've said about you. 

For some reason, none of them are good. But you choose to believe the gorgeous, long haired guy in front of you. 

“Well that's good to hear,” you take another sip of your drink before smiling at him “I was sure Woo was trash talking about me.” 

He shakes his head with a smile “He wouldn't dare, he has Gyuri on his ass all the time and I'm sure she would kill him.” 

“I'm sure she would kill him even if he didn't do it.” 

His smile grows wider “That's true,” he says, looking over at them who are, very coincidentally, fighting about something. You let out a sigh and he laughs again before clearing his throat “So, the publishing company. What kind of books do you like to edit the most?” 

Your smile grows wider too. 

For the next hour, you talk to Seonghwa about your job and how you started in it. He asks you about your classes and the challenges that you face on a daily basis and Wooyoung overhears and ends up joining the conversation as well.

You don't even hear footsteps nearing until a voice cuts everyone off. 

“I'm sorry I'm late!” 

“Baby!” Mingi gets up from his seat, but no one else does so he's stuck between the table and his girlfriend. 

“Oh, that's Love, huh?” you ask Seonghwa, Wooyoung too entertained messing with the couple to hear you anyways. 

“Yeah… Is that how Gyuri refers to her?” He frowns.

“Mhm,” you answer, leaning into him like you're about to tell him an important secret “I'm not supposed to call her that, don't tell her.” 

Seonghwa leans in too, pretending to zip his mouth shut and you laugh. 

The girl wiggles her way into the seat reserved for her and everyone lets out a groan when they smooch each other. You can only giggle and the sound draws her attention to you “Y/N?” 

You quickly nod “Yeah, hi, nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you! Finally, I thought Wooyoung and Gyuri had an imaginary friend,” you laugh, shrugging at the joke “Love your outfit, by the way, are those— Oh, San, hi— Are those jellyfish?” 

You want to answer. You truly do, the yes right at the tip of your tongue, but words leave you when you turn your head around and find San already looking at you with wide eyes.

He looks great, he's a bit more muscular than what the pictures show and than the last time that you saw him, his arms hugging the fabric of the dress shirt he's wearing like it was tailored for him and everything. 

How dare he. 

You wonder if his heart is beating as loud as yours is right now. If he's surprised, disappointed or happy to see you at all. 

“Her favorite animal.” He answers for you “Hi, Y/N.” 

“Hi…” you whisper back and it feels like you're in a trance. He doesn't look away but the table quieting down once again snaps you out of it and you turn to the girl with a wide smile that you hope conceals whatever the fuck you're feeling at the moment “I love jellyfishes. Had a phase as a child when I would exclusively talk about them, too,” you chuckle, nervously, reaching for your earrings instinctively “Gyuri gave them to me as a present last Christmas.” 

You definitely overshared just now. From the corner of your eye you catch your best friend getting ready to step in if needed. 

Love looks at you, then at San (who's just standing next to you without uttering a word) and then back at you again, smiling like she just figured something out “Well, I love them.” 

“Thanks…” 

Coughing unnecessarily loud, Wooyoung gets up from his seat “You're late.” 

It takes a second but San tears his gaze away from you to look at his best friend and you take the opportunity to chug down the rest of your beer “Sorry, something came up.” 

Seonghwa turns at that and looks at him as well “You good?” 

“I am. Did you guys already eat? I'm starving.” 

“Nope. We're about to order. Let me get you a drink, come here.” And just like that, he disappears from your view and you almost sigh in relief. 

“Are you good?” Seonghwa asks you next and you reckon he's very observant. But then again, you're not the most gracious human being when you're in San’s presence, so, you figure everyone else noticed your change of mood as well. 

“Yeah, I just… I haven't seen him in a while and I didn't think he was coming. I was surprised, that's all.” 

“I can see that,” his eyes move around your face for some reason, frowning a little bit but then he seems to let it go, getting the menu closer to you “Okay, good, um… I actually made the reservation here because they have the best samgyeopsal in town.”  

“Do they?” 

“Mhm, so…” 

He helps you pick your food and when it's time to order, he moves back to his seat. Gyuri asks you with her eyes if you're okay, you nod and grab her hand under the table with a tiny smile and then everyone is moving around to make space for San and Woo once they return. 

He doesn't sit in front of you. 

Relief floods you and you can finally feel your muscles relax as he is so far away, at the other end of the table and in the same row of seats, so you don't really see him unless you really try. 

Which you don't, so your food goes down easy and the rest of the night as well.

Until everyone but you and Seonghwa move around their seats and he ends up right in your point of view as you do your best to ignore him and focus on his friend. 

Seonghwa asks you about your hobbies, you tell him that you love to write movie essays on websites no one even cares to read and he asks you to show it to him so he can look it up when he gets home.

“And you've always done this? Since highschool?” 

You nod and he beams “I read like the first three lines and it looks really good, Y/N. Is that why you love books so much? Because you're a writer?” 

“I wouldn't consider myself a writer but… Sure, I love to write.” 

“Did you know this?” he turns to San and your smile drops a little. 

“Know what?” 

“Your friend is an excellent writer.” 

“Oh, I know. She, uh… Used to write stories on her notebook instead of paying attention in math class,” he sips on his drink and at the detail you didn't know he knew, you turn to him fully “I used to read over her shoulder sometimes.” 

“She's really good.” Seonghwa is looking at your phone, still reading “Really smart, too.” 

San’s jaw tenses a little and you can't understand why “I know.” He says again. 

His friend is none the wiser, blocking your phone and returning it to you “I like it,” he says, smiling and you blush “The essay.” He clarifies after a second, prompting a laugh out of you that he joins. 

San doesn't laugh, but you don't pay attention to him because Seonghwa is asking you something else. 

When it's time to leave the restaurant, Wooyoung suggests going back to his apartment to milk the get-together as much as you all can.

You all throw your napkins at him in feign disgust at the choice of words but you all accept his proposal either way. 

So now you're sitting on the couch, legs crossed and head on Gyuri’s shoulder while you listen to all of them talk (more like argue) about something that happened at their university last week, their voices drowning the soft music playing out of the tiny speaker resting on the counter. 

San is on the floor, to your right. It's hard to keep your eyes off him when you feel him looking at you when you close your eyes and let the noise fade into the background. It's not like you're able to add something to the conversation anyway and Gyuri seems to be drinking her sorrows (not being able to hook Woo up with the girl she told you about) away. 

Your best friend is slurring her words already, drink in hand and index finger pointing at Jongho accusatively because, apparently, the fight they're talking about was his fault. 

“You don't—” she hiccups “You don't even know why it was your fault and it pisses me off even more, you know?” 

“Okay, let me take that.” Taking the drink from her hand and before she starts complaining you stand up to make your way into the kitchen. 

The sink is full and a mess, so you pour the liquid into it and leave the glass sitting right beside it. Distracted by the dilemma of helping Woo out with the dishes or not, you don't notice someone else also entering the space.

That's why you jump a little when you turn and catch Seonghwa leaning on the wall by the entrance. It startles you enough to laugh the nerves out afterwards and he shakes his head, smiling. 

“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. They're boring me to death with the fight story.” 

You nod, realizing that maybe that's because he doesn't attend the university anymore. He told you he graduated last year “They're too drunk to let it go.” 

“Too drunk to dance to this amazing song, too. Who's playlist is that?” he frowns and you rest your back into the sink, rolling your eyes because he's pretending he doesn't know “Oh! Right, it's mine.” 

“And they just don't know how to appreciate it, huh?” he shrugs and you click your tongue “They're such bad friends, Seonghwa, I truly don't know why you keep them around.” 

“You appreciate it,” it's your turn to frown and he leaves his spot at the wall to walk towards you “You were singing along to it,” he explains and you let out an ah, nodding as he extends his palm to you, clearly inviting you to dance. 

“Oh, I don't… I don't really know how to—” 

“I'll show you.” 

His kind eyes are asking you to trust him. You really, really shouldn't. 

No matter how hard you try to bury the hopeless romantic little girl who decided to have a crush on a guy back in ninth grade, she's still there, begging you to let loose and live a little. 

When you grab Seonghwa’s hand, you think the smile he gives you was worth listening to her. 

You can't even tell the song that's softly playing anymore, a mellow r&b melody reaches your ear but you are not listening. You're focused on him, on the way he spins you around even if it doesn't fit the bit, on the way he laughs softly against your ear when he pulls you close by your hand and then pulls away just as quickly. 

Laughing as well, the spell of this beautiful stranger (because you remind yourself you don't really know him that well) is hard to break. 

Until it does. 

Someone clearing their throat behind you stops you and Seonghwa's feet from moving any further. When the tall, older guy turns you around, you're face to face with San and his scowl. 

“Sorry to interrupt but I need to get started on the dishes. Everyone else is heading out too,” he looks behind you, at the man who's still standing close to you and grabbing your hand “In case you want to ask Mingi for a ride.” 

“They finally stopped fighting!” he fakes excitement, finally letting go of your hand and walking in front of you, blocking San with his body. You chuckle, barely clapping your hands to join the pretense as he's pulling up his phone “Can I ask for your number, Y/N?” 

Blinking a few times, you're not sure if your heart speeds up because he's asking or because you hear San sigh exasperated behind him “S-sure.” 

When you put your information on his phone, he bids you goodbye with a pat on your head and hugs San on his way out the kitchen. 

Now that you two are alone, you suddenly want to run and join Seonghwa. You were doing so, so well. 

Avoiding San like the plague it's much easier when you're safe hiding behind your two best friends. 

Ignoring his stare would be much easier if you weren't stuck into place. 

“I—” 

“You—” 

You both speak over each other and you force out an uncomfortable laugh that he doesn't return. Instead, he motions you to go first while he occupies the space in front of the sink, turning the faucet on. In doing so, he has to grab your waist and move you out of the way which makes you short circuit for a second “I was going to help you with that.” You finally stammer out. 

He lets out what you take as an annoyed chuckle. 

“You seemed busy, I don't know how you would've done it.” 

Ouch. 

Why do you allow his words to cut so deep when you stopped caring about what he does a long time ago? 

The band aid rips, the stitches come undone and all it took him were five seconds to melt your resolve away like it was never there in the first place. 

“I'll… I go get Gyuri so we can leave Woo and you to get to it, then.” 

“Bathroom.” You hear him mutter under his breath as you are taking the final step to leave. 

“Huh?” 

“She's in the bathroom, probably puking her breakfast out,” he looks up at you to give you a tiny smile “You left her alone with Jongho and Woo for five minutes so she got ahold of another drink.” 

“God damnit.” 

Rushing out, you run into everyone else at the door and Mingi has to let go of his very intoxicated girlfriend when she reaches you to give you a hug “Don't be a stranger, Y/N! It was lovely to be around you, hm?” 

The sudden physical contact almost makes you gasp but you cover it up with a shy giggle “O-oh. Yeah, um, lovely to meet you too. All of you.” 

“Sorry about that,” her boyfriend grabs her arms and breaks the hug “She's right, though. Don't be a stranger.” 

You nod once, smiling a little more sincerely now and everyone says bye to you, including Seonghwa, who grabs your hand one last time and gives it a squeeze before closing the front door of the apartment. 

You think you feel your heart skip a tiny bit under all the shit San’s words pulled up to the surface a minute ago. But there's no time to dwell in that: you hear Gyuri opening up the bathroom door before gagging and closing it again with a slam. 

Jesus Christ. 

You two are really getting old. You stopped drinking like an hour ago, when you were starting to feel tipsy after your second beer, and you know she didn't drink as much as she used to maybe four years ago, but the visage that welcomes you when you open the door and find her crouched down in front of the toilet certainly brings back memories of those times. 

“I left you alone for like… five minutes.” Sighing, you lean in to hold her flimsy ponytail and pat her back. 

“I'm good,” she gags again and then holds up her hand to stop you from saying anything else “I'm fine.” 

Smiling, you help her up and she grabs the counter as she's washing away the taste of whatever she ate earlier today and alcohol “Me when I lie…”

“Y/N!” she hits your arm but the movement somehow almost makes her trip. 

“You want to lay down?” 

“Is she okay?” Woo’s head peaks into the bathroom and when he sees his ex, he makes a face. 

“Does she look like she's okay?” you help her out of the bathroom and start heading for Wooyoung's room. 

“Wow, wow— Where do you think you're taking her?” 

“To your room, dumbass!”

“Why mine? San's is literally right there.” He whines, pointing at the door you pass by without a second thought. You don't want to know where his room is or what it looks like at all. 

“Yeah, well, did San get her this drunk?” 

“How was I supposed to know that she was at her almost black-out phase? She never drinks that much in front of me!” he complains again but you're already tugging Gyuri in, who mumbles something incoherent and then flips Wooyoung off “Na Gyuri if you puke on my bed I swear to God!” 

If you didn't know Wooyoung so much, the whining and the attitude would probably make you think he didn't care for her at all. But he's brushing her hair out of her forehead, securing the blanket around her and moving to take her socks off when you reach the door. 

“I'm guessing you're okay with her staying the night?” 

“Of course you guys can stay the night, Y/N.” He says and he stumbles a little to get to you, so you smile and shake your head, about to let him know that you're not staying anywhere near his roommate when he continues “You can come over whenever you like. You know that, right?” 

“I know, Woo.” 

“I barely even see you these days, I… Oh! I forgot!” he points to the end of the hall, towards the kitchen “You guys don't really like each other so maybe don't come over when he's here because I don't want to see you sad!” 

“Lower your voice,” you whisper to him, bringing a hand to his face and patting his cheek a few times to wake him up “Did the alcohol suddenly hit you or something?” you sigh for the umpteenth time “Anyways, you should lay down and I'll get going. I'll come pick her up tomorrow and—” 

“That's such a great idea! Oh, I'm a genius.” 

“You didn't come up with it, Wooyoung.”

“San!” he calls all of the sudden and you wish he was sober enough to read the panic on your features. He seems much, much sober when his best friend starts walking down the hall and stops right beside you “Take Y/N home, please, she's going to give you a bag that you must protect with your life.” 

Said best friend looks at you, his eyebrow arched in a silent question “Gyuri’s stuff.” 

“Ah.”

“Go, go. It's getting late, I'll just… I'll cuddle with my ex until you get home.” 

And she has the nerve to say he doesn't want her back. 

When the door to Wooyoung's room closes and you're left with San on the poorly lit hallway, you make a mental note to never step foot on this place or allow your friends to drink ever again. 

You don't even look at the guy before practically running down the hallway and reaching for your bag. You make sure your phone is secured in your pocket as you slip your shoes on and soon you're grabbing the front door knob and twisting it. 

Keys jingle next to you but, again, you don't spare San a glance. 

“So—” 

“I'll get out of your hair, you don't have to… walk me home or whatever he said.” 

“Y/N, it's late.” 

Turning to him, your smile is as fake as the ones you've been giving him the past couple of years “And I'm a grown up, San, I can walk myself home.” 

“What about Gyuri’s stuff?” 

“She can wear Wooyoung's clothes, it's not like they never shared before. Anyway… Thank you for having me, it was nice to see you. Goodnight.” Your response comes out fast and it sounds as planned out as it actually is, kinda robotic and devoid of actual emotion. 

San can't see through you the way you see through him. It's okay, he won't mind it. 

He probably won't mind that you close his own door on his face either. 

If that door is what you hear when you're making your way down the stairs in order to make a fast escape, you choose to ignore it. 

You have to stop mid-way to compose yourself. You don't know why you feel like crying or why your heart is beating so fast. 

You knew going in that there was a possibility of seeing him tonight. You know how San affects you, so effortless and seemingly like no time has passed at all in between senior year and present day. 

You know all of this already, it's an endless loop that will keep repeating until you either move away or decide to stop agreeing to Wooyoung's plans all together. 

So why is your chest heaving with emotion? Why is nostalgia playing mind tricks with you? Why do you want to turn back and hug him and beg him to turn back time so you can do it all differently now that you know how to look like and what to say to make him love you back? 

Ah, you're definitely not sleeping tonight. So you start distracting yourself while walking down the stairs again. You remind yourself to tell a much sober Wooyoung how proud you are of him. You think about Seonghwa, about his kind eyes and the way he grabbed your hand to dance with him just half an hour ago. You wonder how long it will take you to get home if you jog all the way there. You—

Why the fuck is San outside when you get there? 

In a comedic way, you can see your attempt to distract your mind off of him slipping through your fingers and evaporating in the warm summer night breeze. 

In a realistic way, you're fucking pissed at him for taking the opportunity of a good night sleep away from you. 

You pass him and start jogging like you planned a minute ago. Footsteps follow you until his arm brushes yours and you take a step to the side to stop it from happening again. 

“Go home, Choi San.” 

“Stop fighting it, Y/N. I'm walking you home.” 

“It's a twenty minute walk—” 

“Drop it.” 

You do. And for the first ten minutes, no one utters a word even if the tension feels electric and the street is so quiet so you can hear when his breath accelerates when he jogs to catch up to you whenever you try to leave him behind. 

Isn't that ironic. He was the one who left you behind all those years ago. 

“I didn't know that you danced.” 

He breaks the uncomfortable but safe silence to say that? 

“Well, you saw me dance so I clearly dance when I want to.” 

“You never danced with me.” 

“You never asked me to.” 

He laughs “I'm pretty sure I did on several occasions, Y/N.” 

“Well, you're wrong,” you're getting annoyed. How dare he think he remembers better than you? “It doesn't matter anyway, what's past is past and—” 

“You also gave Hwa your number,” he interrupts, his long legs taking two strides to get in front of you, still walking, facing your direction with his hands on his pockets. 

It's dangerous and stupid, even if the streets are practically empty and the sidewalk barely has any bumps. 

You hope he falls on his pretty face.

“I did.* 

“I don't have your number.” 

“Well, I changed it and you never asked for it, so…” 

“You could've called me or texted me to let me know you did it.” 

He's getting on your nerves.

“San,” you start, taking in a deep breath you hope calms you down “We don't even text anymore, why would you want my number?” 

“Do you like him?” 

“Seonghwa?” you ask, frowning and he nods “Like… As a person?” 

“As a potential love interest.” He clarifies matter-of-factly and you roll your eyes. 

“I met him today, San. Why do you want my number?” 

“Because we're friends?” he offers after a second, shifting so he's walking by your side again. 

“Are we?” you ask, laughing bitterly at that “Because we haven't spoken a word to each other in years.” 

“That's not true.” 

“It is, San.” 

“You… You don't speak to me anymore, so…” 

“Well your girlfriend at the time told me she didn't feel comfortable with me speaking to you anymore,” you sigh “so I didn't and you didn't try to talk to me either.” 

“Well, I want to talk to you now.” 

“And is your new girlfriend aware of that? Is she comfortable with that? Because I don't want anyone telling me what to do anymore and—” 

“Why wouldn't she be comfortable? We're friends, Y/N.” 

“Are we?” you insist, petty, bitter and overall very, very hurt. 

He looks offended at that “I assumed we were?” 

He's getting on your fucking nerves. 

“We stopped being friends the second Minseo asked me to stay away from you because she didn't like me, San.” 

“She’s not in my life anymore—” 

The words are coming out of your mouth without even thinking it through. His demeanor, the way he's somehow reproaching you for whatever he saw between you and his friend, the way he pretends nothing happened between you and him, thinking that you two are still friends. 

“We stopped being friends when you pulled away from me, saw me do the same and did nothing to stop it from happening, San.” 

He stops in his tracks at that. You don't, pushing forward and quickening your step even if your calves burn. 

“Either way,” you speak up “Make sure you tell your girlfriend about wanting my number and then you can ask Seonghwa for it if you want—” 

“She's not my girlfriend anymore!” 

Now that stops you, just a few buildings down from yours, you turn around just to find San closer that you thought he'll be.

“O-oh. I… I didn't know that. I'm sorry.” 

“You didn't do anything to be sorry for.” 

“Still, it must suck so I'm sorry you're going through that.” 

“We didn't want the same things and so we ended it. It is what it is.” 

You nod. 

He walks the few steps separating you and you have to raise your chin a little to look him in the eye for the first time since you left his apartment “I wanted to tell you.” 

“That you broke up with your girlfriend?” 

“Yeah, I don't know why. It happened when I broke up with Minseo too, I just… You're the first person that I thought of calling when it happened. I texted you, too, but the messages didn't go through.” 

You hum at that. 

Why would he even say that? 

You resume your step, not really knowing what to say until you reach the stairs that lead to your building’s entrance. 

“And you didn't ask Woo for my number?” 

He follows you up. 

“I don't think he would've given it to me if I asked.” 

That sounds like an excuse, so you don't let it slide as you enter the code to your building and let yourself inside, San holding the door so he can get in as well “Why would he do that?” 

“Because he…” San sighs, pressing the elevator button “Nevermind. He just wouldn't.”

Frowning, you turn to him “No, now you have to tell me.” 

“It doesn't matter, really—” 

“Tell me, San.” 

He stares for a second and then looks away, like a child, vulnerable and you can't help but soften at that “He didn't like the way I treated you.” 

Eating your words from before, you shake your head “You didn't treat me like anything.” 

The elevator dings and you get inside. 

San follows you. 

“Exactly,” he says, resting his shoulder on the metal “Like you said I just did nothing and—” 

“Well, sometimes that's just what happens,” you want to end this. You want to pack Gyuri’s bag, give it to him and never see him again. 

This conversation hurts, it reopens barely closed wounds and it creates new ones you don't really need when it comes to whatever happened between you two. 

There's only so much a person can handle and it really doesn't help that you're a fool for San. He takes advantage of it, of the fact you can't really push him away at this point and the fact that he wants to have this conversation now instead of four and half years ago? 

Mean. 

He's mean. He's evil. He's… He's staring at you with a spark in his eyes that you recognize too well. 

Hope. 

When you get to your floor, you try to wipe the image away while busying yourself with your keys. Your hands tremble a little but you're able to open the door of your apartment and get in without inviting him. 

He gets in anyway. You take off your shoes as he closes the front door. 

He stays silent as he follows you around the apartment and you don't worry about turning the lights on. You get into Gyuri’s room and start picking out a comfy hangover outfit for your friend. Some clean underwear, sweatpants, two shirts and socks. 

When you drop to the floor, in front of the closet, to look for a bag to stash all of it in, San silently clutches beside you. 

“It shouldn't have happened to us. Never us.” 

You can't take it anymore. 

“San, what is this? What are you doing? I mean, why are we—” 

“I know.” 

“It's been years…”  

“I miss you.” 

He's so mean. But the softness in his tone resembles the one he used all the way back in highschool, when he told you that not being friends with you didn't feel right and you want to cave in right there and then. 

Your heart screams at you to do it, your reason warns you that you both have been through this before and it never ends right. 

You simply can't stay friends with Choi San. 

Your love for him must run too deep, your resentment claws at it and tries to hurt it but it's an immovable force that won't budge even if you try to bury it under the years that have passed, the things he has done. 

Tears gather in your eyes and you try to blink them away as you stare at your best friend's clothes on your lap and try to come up with something to close this path up again, reconstruct the picket fence you built around it the second he broke your heart for the first time. 

“Yeah,” you whisper back, letting the walls fall a little “I miss you too but I don't think I miss whatever version of you you are right now, San.” 

“W-what?”

His shaky voice makes the walls crumble and crash. 

Turning to him, your hand shakes as you place it on top of his “And you don't miss the version of me I am right now. You miss what I was back then, the comfort and the shoulder to cry on I offered you when Arin and you broke up. You miss my availability and the way I didn't press my feelings on you because it didn't matter if I liked you or not, you were my friend first and the guy that I had a crush second but—” you choke up, tears falling down your cheeks even if you don't want them to “I can't do it anymore. I'm not that girl anymore and I won't be there for you now that you and Kyungmi broke up because I can't handle it. I can't, I'm sorry.” 

He doesn't deny any of it.

He stares at you, tears wetting his cheeks as well and it hurts even more this way. You wish you had the strength to hold it together, to treat him like you did on the street a few minutes ago, but you can't. 

There's no way you could ever hate him like you want to. 

“You know…” he starts in a whisper, letting out a humorless chuckle “That's what I used to tell myself too.” 

“Hm?” 

“That you were my friend first and the girl that I had a crush on second.” 

How dare he mutter the words you always wanted to hear, the ones you picture being said in a different setting, the ones that haunted your every waking thought that period of time you doubted your friends, your mom, yourself for even believing Choi San could ever have a crush on you. 

He doesn't get to say them. You want to tell him but the words die on your throat and form a lump that you can't swallow down. 

You don't get to say that. You don't get to say that. 

Your hand drops from his and you look away again only to grab the first bag you find on the closet floor and shove Gyuri’s stuff in it. 

If the lack of response it's what prompts the hurt in his voice the next time he speaks, you don't want to think about it. 

“I wish I didn't. Now it's too late to do something about it, huh?” 

This time the rage comes back with a mask on. Feing settlement for all the what if’s covers you like a blanket on a really hot summer night: unwanted, unnecessary. 

But you can't sleep without it, so you do nothing to push it away. 

“I guess it is.” 

You get up from the floor, leaving the room and wiping your face with bitterness coating your movements as you wait by the door for him to get out. 

When he does and he steps in front of you, you extend the bag and he takes it without missing a beat. 

Voice robotic and words premeditated, you open the front door for him “Thanks for walking me home and taking this back.” 

He leans a little into your space and you don't move away. But just as he did in highschool, he takes in your hitched breath and does nothing more.

“Thanks for letting me talk to you.” 

He didn't give you much of a choice there but it's okay. This is closure, this is the end of your story with Choi San and you convince yourself you're glad that it is. 

“Sure,” you whisper back and he steps outside, turning around to watch you slowly close the door “goodnight, San.” 

He doesn't say it back. 

When the darkness of your apartment engulfs you, that's when you let yourself breakdown. Covering your mouth with your palm, you descend until your knees are against the wood on the floor and closing your eyes you make it a point to let it all out. 

You'll let it all out, drink some water, text Wooyoung and Gyuri to let them know you're safe and go to bed. 

And tomorrow you'll begin your day with the freedom of finally knowing what would've happened if you or San ever took the next step. 

This is fine. This is moving on. This is— 

The doorbell rings. 

Opening the door again, you crease your eyebrows in a silent question that San doesn't care to answer, so you look around the floor in case he forgot something you're missing. You wipe your cheeks and under your eyes as you turn to him again “Did you—” 

Time slows down when he makes it past the threshold and you can't move an inch, gaping at who you once thought was the love of your life “What are you doing, San?” 

“Something about it.” 

“What?” 

“Forgive me,” he asks, breathless and in a murmur, fueling your confusion. And then he's closing the distance, dropping Gyuri’s bag and cupping your face so gently that it hurts “but I'm doing something about it.” 

You stopped dreaming about the possibility of San kissing you that one time you two were on your bed and, another time, you told yourself that, if it ever happened, you wouldn't kiss him back. 

It's too late to kiss him back. 

But sparks fly when he crushes you against the wall and takes in a breath before slothing his mouth against yours like he's been waiting to do this every single day for the past nine years you've known each other. 

There's nothing you can do to conceal the way yearning takes over you, pours out of you, making you breathe into his open mouth and kiss him back like you always wanted to. 

You already know it is a mistake by the time you grab his shirt to keep him in place but does it really matter when this is all you ever wanted? 

Feeling warmth leave your face, you notice the way he desperately crowds your space as his chest bumps into yours, leg claiming its place in between yours, the palm that leaves you pressing against the wall, next to your head. 

The kiss is filled with emotion, with longing and desire and it steals the air out of your lungs tragically and beautifully at the same time. Before, you used to dream about his lips making everything feel right, making you fit in in a world you didn't feel like you belonged to. 

But this kiss drops you into uncharted territory, drags you into the depths of something that should be buried by now, after all this time. It brings the flame back to life and it's dangerous. 

The fact that it feels this way, both marvelous and catastrophic at the same time, makes you so sad. 

Sorrow descends down your face until your mouth is picking it up and your tongue is mixing it with whatever emotion is cruising through San right now. 

You have to know. 

He spent your entire youth and early adulthood keeping it to himself, knowing when to show his true colors and when to hide them, choosing who to do it with and you realize the San that lives in your head is nothing but a figment of what you wanted him to be. 

Because him holding to your waist like it's his only lifeline doesn't fit the San you remember, him telling you he liked you back then doesn't fit the guy who was just your best friend. 

You need to know. 

“San,” brokenly, you speak into his mouth and he pulls away just enough to see your face. Your eyes remain closed, your chest heaving and your lips trembling “Why are you doing this?” 

“Because I want you, Y/N.” 

You push him away, weakly, almost like you don't really mean it because deep down you don't but he steps away like you're asking to. 

Because, of course, your mind scraps the bottom of your resentment to give his words a completely new meaning. 

“You can find another girl to fuck and be your rebound, San,” more tears spill down and you wipe them away in anger but more threat to fall down so you cover your face with your hands and groan, desperate “I can't do this, especially not when I know that you know how bad I wanted you. Y-you know what you do to me San so stop—”

“I want you in my life. I don't— What? I don't want you like a rebound, I… Can we sit down and turn on a light so I can look at you when I say this?” 

His words should be reassuring but they're not, the way you tend to feel unlovable around him coming up to the surface, preventing you from thinking clearly. 

You can also feel his lips on yours still. It's dizzying but you manage to push yourself off the wall and pad around until you hit the switch of the warm light lamp near the couch and the apartment comes to life just like that. 

He takes in the space he's never seen before, walking slowly towards the living room and looking over the bookshelf that screams your name all over it. He smiles a bit as he looks over the book titles and you look away before your heart starts acting up again. 

You can't stay mad at him for long if he's looking through something so personal to you and smiling that fondly at it. It feels even more intimate than the kiss you two just shared. 

Wiping your cheeks once more, you are sure you look a mess but he doesn't seem to mind it once he comes into your point of view, sitting down on the couch, in front of your standing form. He grabs you by your hands until you're sitting next to him, close to him, cologne intoxicating your senses. 

“I told you I liked you when we were in highschool, right?” 

You nod. 

“You seemed surprised but it was dark so I'm not really sure. I thought you knew, everyone knew.” 

Oh, he's a comedian. 

“How would I have known, San? I… Yeri told me you liked me one time, in senior year, but I denied it. Then, my mom told me you seemed to want me in a non-platonic way and I dismissed her as well,” you take in a deep, shaky breath “For me, the thought of you liking me just didn't make sense. You loved Arin and she's… She doesn't look or act like I did back then at all, so how would I have known?” 

You didn't need clues and puzzles and what if’s, you needed words and actions that weren't confusing. You needed him to tell you back then, because telling you right now and kissing you senseless after he broke up with a girl he supposedly was very in love with means nothing but pain. 

“I didn't realize you liked me too,” you make a face, about to tell him off, but he interrupts “I didn't! I thought you liked Yeri and I thought you saw me as the annoying guy who wouldn't leave you alone. I only just realized it a couple years ago, because Woo told me.” 

You raise your eyebrows and mutter under your breath “I'm murdering him tomorrow.” 

The corner of his lips twitch before he shakes his head in dismissal of what you said “I liked you. I really, really liked you and never told a soul because… Well, it's scary when you fall in love, right?” 

“San, you had no problem telling Arin, Minseo or Kyungmi that you liked them.” 

He looks down to the floor, lost in thought and you want to open your mouth to take what you just said into a new direction, but you don't “Maybe that's because I didn't love them the way I love you.” 

Oh. 

Love you? As in… He loves you right now too? 

No way. 

“You didn't love me, San. You don't love me right now either, you… Maybe we both were in love with the idea of love? Maybe that's what happened and—” 

“Quit telling me what I'm feeling, Y/N. You always do that, you always assume you know what I'm feeling but you don't!” 

Raising your voice a little more, you try to get your point across in the worst way possible: by being stubborn “You don't know me! How can you possibly—” 

“I knew you back then, Y/N! And I loved you back then, too!” He looks like wants to say something more but he doesn't, instead, he takes a calming breath and then leans into your space for the third time tonight “And I might not know you now but I want to. That's what I meant when I said that I want you. I want you in my life, I want to know the person you became when we stopped talking, I want to talk to you every single day and I want to hold you and kiss you and be by your side however you want me to, I just… I can't lose you again.” 

His confession renders you speechless and you notice his chest is heaving, going up and down in sync with yours. 

But the way he pulled away from you senior year still hurts, it paints a picture of what's going to happen if you accept this. 

You can't believe his words. 

He must feel lonely and confused, like he did when Arin broke up with him. He must be looking for a shelter you can't provide. 

“And when you find another girl that's more to your liking? What then, San?” 

“There's no one that I love more than you, Y/N and I'm sorry I was shit at proving it back then and I'm sorry that it took so many years for me to come to my senses.” 

He's tearing up and your heart pangs absurdly loud at that. 

“I saw you with Seonghwa earlier today, laughing and dancing and flirting and I thought: Oh, maybe if I didn't waste that much time pretending I'm someone I'm not, that would be me.” 

You stare for a second, you watch a single tear drop down his cheek and then look away. 

“Is that what you were doing? Is that why you pulled away?” 

“Maybe?” he offers and you turn to him again. Is not enough and maybe he can see it in your expression, because he goes on “I mean, I… I thought I wanted Arin. I thought I wanted Minseo. I had people in my life who were really happy to see me with them and I just…” 

“Wanted to keep them happy,” you nod, understanding. He doesn't have to say his mothers name for you to know he's referring to her and maybe his other highschool friends outside of Wooyoung “Were you pretending with me as well?” 

“No,” he answers right away “You and Woo were the only ones who saw me for who I really was back then.” 

“And why do you think you love me now, San?” you ask, deflating against the couch and ignoring the way your heart soars at his quick response.

“Because I never stopped,” he stammers out and then clears his throat “Because I looked for you in Minseo and Kyungmi and I wondered for years why they couldn't make me feel the same way. And I told myself I didn't need to feel the same way and that I deserved to wonder for the rest of my days but seeing you tonight? I can't.” 

Straightening your spine, the pained look you sent in his direction is not intentional but it prompts him to lean closer and closer until he's cupping your cheek again. 

“I can't keep wondering.” His voice is a sweet whisper, a siren song that draws you in until your forehead is resting against his. 

All these years, you were so self-focused on changing to a better version of who he used to know, learning from your mistakes and closing off to the opportunity of letting him prove himself a better man, you forgot that time passed for him too. He’s telling you he changed, too. 

Imagination is a safe space. Is where you hide, where desire can take its wings and fly high without hurting you too much. Make belief has rescued you before but this? The way his nose nuzzles softly into yours and your breaths tangle? This is very real. And reality is prone to hurt you. 

But the want you feel is undeniable. The way your entire being wants to cave in and give him an opportunity is suffocating, it makes you choke out a sob that he follows with one of his own. 

You kiss him, softly at the beginning, but his hands on you tighten and you let yourself get lost in the way they go down your neck and your arms, caressing you softly until they reach your waist and pull you into his lap. 

Pulling away, you grab his chin with two fingers and force his teary eyes to snap open, searching for an answer on yours.

“If you hurt me,” you start, breathless “If you're mocking me, if you're using me to get over Kyungmi, if you are pulling me back in to break my heart again, Choi San, I swear to God I will kill you.” 

“I won't do that to you ever again, Y/N,” he returns softly “I love you, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you but I love you.” 

Others would argue that it is pathetic how quickly you forgive him. But then again, you could never be mad at San. 

You were only mad at yourself for how everything turned out. 

“I love you too, Sannie.” 

Saying something never felt so freeing before. 

“Oh, Y/N…” you can see the way relief washes his worries away “Y/N…” he starts to say but then leans in to kiss you again and never finishes his words. 

You don't mind it. 

Pouring out all the pent up affection you pretended to bury for years, you explore his mouth and carve into your memory the way he feels. The way he sighs into it when your tongue brushes his, the way he pulls you in closer when your fingers reach the nape of his neck and pull on his hair there, hands splayed on your back so he can keep you in place as he leans down and places you against the worn out couch. 

He maps you out, hands going down your waist in a familiar feeling that brings back that memory of you two laying down on your bed. Only this time, he's actually touching you with a purpose. This time, you two have made up your minds and your limbs are tangled in a way you can feel all of him pressing up against you. 

It starts to get stuffy, the space on the couch not nearly enough to have him the way you want to. Soon, you're both standing up, mouths still moving against each other and hands roaming everywhere until you're undoing the buttons on his shirt. 

He pulls away to fully take it off, eyes never leaving yours, dropping the shirt to the ground, next to the couch and then he's on you again, making your back crash into the wall as he works the knots keeping your blouse together. 

He walks you through the hall, stopping only to take your top off and then he's walking you to a room that has a familiar scent that doesn't belong to you.

“Wrong room, wrong room,” you say into his lips and he laughs, looking to your surroundings “Mine’s over there.” you point to the other end of the hall, taking his hand and pulling him towards it. 

You don't make it far before he's yanking you towards him again. He looks down, taking your body in and you do the same, his firm and defined stomach a sight you never thought you would be able to see. 

“You're so beautiful,” he whispers, backing you against the wall again and kissing your cheek “So, so beautiful.” 

Turning your head to chase his mouth, he lets out a heavy sigh when his lips trail a path to your neck and murmurs against the skin there “I never told you how beautiful I found you before but you're so perfect, baby.” 

“I always thought I wasn't your type, San,” you let out a noise when he grabs your hips and pulls you forward, crashing his into yours “Fuck.” 

“And I always thought you were too much for me, too smart,” he kisses his way back up, focusing on your jaw and chin until he's kissing your cheek again “too pretty,” he moves to your ear, pecking right under it and you hold him closer “too good for me.” 

It doesn't really matter that this is all new to you, the way he's speaking, the tenor of his voice, the things he's saying… It sparks something familiar in you. You're pulling his hair back to make him look at you, a moan slipping out of his lips at that. 

You want to hear it again. 

He's smiling at your reaction, hand tightening on his locks.

However, that smile drops when he seems to recognize the gleam in your eyes. 

You gather up courage, feeling empowered by the way his hooded eyes darken but wait patiently for you to speak your mind. 

“Maybe I'm too good for you now, too,” you lean in, your lips softly tracing his “Maybe you should prove to me that you deserve me, San.” 

It's a dare. One that he seems to like a lot because his eyes sparkle with the same fire they used to back in the day. 

“Oh, I'll prove it to you, alright.” He whispers, panting when you let go of his hair and he leans into you to kiss your lips briefly before pulling away again.

His hand tilts your head back and you rest it against the cold wall, his fingers touch your bottom lip before going down and down and down until they rest against the seam of your pants, unbuttoning them in one swift movement. 

Going back up, his nails softly dig into your skin and you preen, taking the soft sting of his ministrations like you two have done this a million times before.  

His mouth is on yours again, his hands are pulling you off the wall and into your room until you two land on your mattress with a soft tud, a moan spilling out of your lips when he sloths his knee in between your legs and pulls them apart with expertise. 

You don't have the mind to break down what that means. 

Opening your eyes when he kisses down your neck again, you notice your room is barely lit by the street lights outside, curtains pulled open and windows closed but, this way, you can see the way San kisses between your breasts and your belly, catching his eyes when he looks up to measure your reaction. 

You sigh, already feeling some sort of build up going on down there and he hasn't even touched you properly yet. 

You don't even want to think about how wet you actually are. 

He leans back, open palms going down your legs slowly until they reach your feet. It tickles and you can't help but let out a giggle that he joins short after, his gaze never losing the edge because of it, though. 

“San…” 

He guides your hips up so he can take off your pants and you sigh when his hands return, raising your leg up “I missed your laugh,” he says low, attaching his lips to your calf “I miss being the one making you laugh too.” 

You feel like crying again but then he's letting your leg down and grabbing the other one to give it the same treatment, so your tears can wait. 

This time, he moves upwards till his mouth nears your clothed center and your breath hitches. 

Yeah, you can definitely cry later.

“You want me to prove to you how much I want you, Y/N?” he murmurs, his lips ghosting your mound now “How much I love you?” 

“San, p-please…” 

“Fuck, look at you.” He sounds like he's too lost in the heat of the moment and you're kind of grateful, because the moan you let out when his fingers hook on your underwear and pull them to the side to expose your pussy to his hungry eyes is loud. 

When he kisses you right where you need him, you let out another moan. And when he parts your folds to lick a stripe up to your clit, you curse him under you breath until he's laughing against you softly, the vibrations accumulating heat on your belly. 

He doesn't tease you much longer and you look down at him just to catch the moment his self control slips, eating you out like a man starved while his hand stays on your hip to hold you down and keep you underwear from interrupting his feast. 

“This is like,” he dives in again for a few seconds and you grab the sheets beneath you “All my fantasies coming to life but better.” 

He's so chatty during this and the only thing you can do is stammer a yeah? and pray for it to reach his ears.

“Mhm,” the circles your clit with the tip of his tongue and your legs shake “Taste even better than what I dreamed, too.” 

The heat of his mouth leaves you, lips spreading your wetness through your stomach until he fully reaches your face, your eyes closed and lips already waiting for him. 

Tongue caressing yours, your hands trail down his torso and focus on getting his pants off. You're shaking with excitement so it proves to be more difficult than you imagined at first but he helps you in unbuckling his belt. 

Once the piece of clothing is one the floor (or the bed, you're not really paying attention on where it lands), you don't waste time in feeling him up through his boxers. 

The hiss you get in return makes you smile. 

Bringing your lips to his neck, you suckle on this pulse point and gain another pleased noise before grazing your teeth against skin and moving to his collarbone next.

In a way, you get what he means. If he truly was pining over you the way you were pining over him, the thought of exploring his tan skin and making him moan feels like a dream. 

So you kiss him again in order to make it all last longer. 

The minutes pass between the both of you, softly making out and figuring out what gets both of you going, discarding your underwear in the process. 

You realize your moans make San’s cock twitch against your leg and he seems to notice the way your hips buck up everytime his hands handle you more roughly. 

After a few minutes of just this, you feel his hand making its way down again and the pads of his fingers circle your clit until you're grasping the sheets again. He gathers your arousal and then enters one finger slowly and when it slides in and out with ease, he enters the next one. 

There's really not much prepping he needs to do, already soft and compliant under him, you relax into his comfortable touch before you're aching for something else. And your mouth is preoccupied with his, so you do something else to catch his attention. 

Hands caressing his back, you let them drop to his ass with a soft smack that wins you a soft huff on amusement and then a whine when you move his hips towards yours. 

“Condom?” 

You shake your head “I'm clean and I have an implant.” 

“Oh?” he smirks, about to tease you but you squeeze his butt again and he moans “Fuck. I'm clean too.” 

“Good,” you whisper against his cheek, laughing as he arranges his position. 

And he might've been touching you all this time, kissing you until your mind emptied and your lips are all swollen up, but the look on his eyes when he slowly enters you is what might drive you over the edge. 

Grabbing your hands, he pins them on the side of your head as he moves, dropping his head down with a groan as you take him in, nose touching yours and moth whispering sweet things you can't quite pick up. 

He feels so good. 

This all feels way too good to be real. 

In the cloud you're at, you allow yourself to dream a little more before the reality of what your confessions mean dawns on you. 

For now, you allow San to make love to you. Sweetly, slowly and with a passion you never were lucky enough to encounter before. 

Maybe it's because your previous lovers didn't have your heart the way San does. 

He rams his hips into yours hard, closing his eyes and resting his warm cheek against yours, kissing your face inch by inch when you accompany his movements with your own. 

When his pace picks up, you hug him close and secure your legs around his hips as you moan. 

“Y-yes, fuck.” 

“Like that?” he repeats the movement from before, pulling out and then in with such force it rocks the entire bed. 

“Just like that, baby, fuck.” 

“God, you sound so good,” you smile a little, forehead resting on his shoulder before your head falls down against your pillow again “I love you,” he repeats against your lips, letting your hands go to cup your face with both of his again “I love you so much.” 

Teetering over the edge, you feel happy tears stinging in your eyes. Though closed, you can feel San’s stare on you, on your face, on the way you react to his sweet words and relentless pace. 

You say it back in a whisper and he repeats it again and again and again until you're both coming and tears are spilling down your cheeks. 

He kisses them away. 

You wipe his with trembling fingers as you come down, having trouble breathing from everything that just happened. 

You don't feel suffocated anymore, you feel like you've been freed. Like this was supposed to happen at some point and you two finally got around to it. 

“I love you,” he says once more before slipping out of you with a parting kiss. 

Holy shit. 

When San gets up from the bed and you point him to the bathroom, down the hallway, you're left with a sticky mess in between your legs and a lot to think about but you settle on four things. 

San just made love to you. There's no way that was just sex. 

There's also no way you're coming back from this. 

Gyuri is probably going to kill you. 

And that, obviously, your feelings for San never left. You feel the familiar warmth of them spreading through your post-orgasmic state. They're there, mocking you, asking you who the fuck you thought you were for pushing them away. 

He returns, toilet paper in his hands before leaning in and cleaning you up, lips immediately finding home on your skin as he does. 

You both giggle at that.

You probably need to shower but you've been crying and there's no way you're leaving this bed tonight. He throws the paper away on your bedroom’s trashcan and then crashes into the bed next to you, still naked, still looking at you with so much love you're wondering what stopped you from seeing it was there before. 

Taking his hand, you bring it to his lip and give his knuckles a peck “That was really good.” 

“It was.” 

“I can't believe we actually just did that…” 

He smiles and what he says next shocks you even more than his confession “I want to take you out.” 

“San… You just came inside me not even ten minutes ago.” 

“And?” you laugh and he shakes his head, leaning into your space again “I spent many years doing everything wrong, let me do it the right way.” 

“Making love to me one time and then taking me out on a date is not the right way, sir.” 

He nuzzles your cheek with his nose and you let out a pleased sigh “Who said it was just one time, huh?” Attacking your neck with his lips again, you push him away with a laugh. 

“Oh, come on!” 

He laughs as well “Give me ten minutes and I'll make it two!” 

San makes love to you two more times. And by four in the morning, you're snuggled into his arms and sleeping soundly. 

When you wake up and find the space next to you empty, you think it was all a dream. Your naked form begs to differ and you quickly put the t-shirt you usually wear to bed on and your panties underneath it to go out and face the feelings of your actions fighting with the blender in the kitchen. 

“How do you two live with this stupid thing?” 

“We don't,” you answer, startling him “We don't use it. What are you trying to make?” 

San’s shirtless, wearing his pants and his hair messy. Looking back at the living room clock, you see it's just five past ten. 

Smiling as he approaches you, you forget you must look a mess too when he pecks your lips and barely pulls away “Good morning, beautiful.” 

You pretend to cringe at that, pulling away “Oh, God. Morning, dumbass.” 

“You like it, you're blushing,” he points out and the pink on your cheek deepens as he's going back to the blender “Does anything work here?” 

“The microwave,” you shrug “And the stove. Were you trying to make yourself a…” you look over the ingredients he has pulled out of your fridge “Green juice?” 

“I was trying to make both of us a green juice,” he corrects and your heart skips at the immediate domestic attitude he has with you “But now I can tell neither of you drink anything like it, hm? I'm buying you a blender.” 

“Please don't.” 

“Why?” 

“Why do you think that one is broken?” 

He hums, huffing out a laugh seconds later and you walk over to him, unsure on how to approach him even though what you did yesterday night and earlier this morning didn't allow your shyness to step in. 

Now you're feeling it. 

He can tell, because he stops fighting with the steel appliances to grab your waist and pull you close “I wanted to make you breakfast.” 

“We can make breakfast together and I can order your green juice,” you compromise and he nods, but he doesn't let you go “And later we can go out on that date you promised me yesterday and we can go over what we're going to tell the two idiots.” 

His smile drops. 

“Oh, fuck.” 

Grimacing, you nod “It was the second thing I thought about after waking up.” 

“What was the first?” 

“Oh, I was trying to remember if you ever asked me to dance before,” he nods with a smile “Guess what? You didn't.” 

He fake gasps at that “I did!” 

“No, you didn't!” 

“Babe, yes I did,” he insists and you laugh, which prompts him to wrap his hands around you tighter when you try to get away from him “It was when—” 

“Oh. My. God. I'm going to be sick again.” 

Now when the fuck did Gyuri come back. 

And why is Wooyoung with her too, jaw slack as he watches both of you pull away from each other and create a safe distance that doesn't help whatever your best friends just saw. 

“It worked?” he asks and you can barely hear him until he hollers like a crazy person “Oh, it worked! I am a genius!” 

“Wooyoung, hold me! I'm going to kill them!” Gyuri looks like she's about to launch towards you at any second now, so you close your eyes and accept your fate. But nothing happens “Wait— What worked?” 

When you open them again, San is hiding behind you and Gyuri’s back is to both of you as she looks at Wooyoung with, what you assume, murderous intentions. 

“Gyuri, let's talk about this,” the black haired guy puts his hands up “You were too drunk to discuss it so I made the choice of— Gyuri, no!” 

You burst into laughter when she starts chasing him around the apartment and San giggles as well, only more nervous than delighted by their little cat and mouse game. 

He's probably sensing he's next on her hit list. 

As if you would let anything happen to him in the first place. 

“Stop, stop! I'm sorry, please leave me alone!” you hear Wooyoung’s voice echoing through your hall and in a second he's entering the kitchen, rounding you and San “I'm so happy for you guys, really, this was meant to happ— Stop!” He cries when Gyur catches onto him and yanks his hair to stop him from running.  

“Y/N,” she starts, chest heaving and you take a step back, crashing into San’s chest. He holds onto you only to push you a little and protect himself from the fury of your best friend “When I told you fuck him I didn't meant this!” 

“I know.” 

Wooyoung whines but he can't get away from her grasp so he just accepts it and pouts like a child. 

“A-and you!” She points towards the guy resting his chin on your shoulder “How dare you! If this is something casual for you then—” 

“I love her.” He defends himself quickly and your heart all but stops at that. 

“You do?” Wooyoung coos, amazed at his best friend’s confession. 

Gyuri's anger falters at that. 

“You… You do?” 

“And I love him,” you let out in a shy whisper, smiling a bit “But you already knew that.” 

“Of course I already knew that, bitch, I am your other half,” she makes a point to stare at San as she says it, letting Wooyoung go and he massages the part of his scalp that was targeted by his ex “Don't forget that.” 

“Y-yes ma'am.” 

You laugh again and Woo joins the embrace, eyeing you both expectantly and rolling his eyes when neither of you say anything to him “Well, you are so welcome guys. What are we having for breakfast?” 

You and San don't get to go out on that date. 

But when you do, he asks you to be his girlfriend the next day. 

And when you say yes he almost breaks down in excited tears.

Eventually, even Gyuri comes around and threatens him into treating you right, which means he earned her seal of approval. 

You delete the document on your laptop when you find it a month into being his girlfriend and, instead, start drafting your new beginning on it, in first person this time because the story doesn't feel like it belongs to someone else now.

The first line read as it follows: 

How did I ever think San and I could be just friends? 

If you read all the way down here: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

© jensthwa, 2024.

[doyoulikethissong-poll]

Tones and I - Dance Monkey 2019

"Dance Monkey" is a song by Australian singer Tones and I, released as the second single her debut EP, The Kids Are Coming. It topped the official singles charts in over 38 countries and peaked within the top ten of many others. The song broke the record for the most weeks at number one on the Australian singles chart at 24 non-consecutive weeks. It also broke the record for the most weeks spent at the top of the UK Singles Chart by a female artist with 11 weeks at the top. When it hit number four in the US, it became the first top-five hit solely written by a woman in over eight years. On Spotify, as of March 2024, the song is the most streamed by a female artist and the eighth-most overall, with over 3 billion streams. The song is was also the first song by a female artist to reach 3 billion streams.

The song has received a number of awards. It won Best Pop Release at the ARIA Music Awards of 2019, Song of the Year at the APRA Music Awards of 2020 and Independent Song of the Year at the AIR Awards of 2020. It was also the Grand Prize winner of the 2019 International Songwriting Competition.

"Dance Monkey" received a total of 44,2% yes votes.

[fr3sh-tragedies]

Hiii!! Im not sure if you take requests but if you do could you write something for regina goerge (2024) x fen reader please? Thank you

[Mean Girls: 2024] Regina George x Female Reader

[Requested]

Summary: Upon growing closer and ultimately becoming official with Regina, you finally understand the saying that home can be a person.

Word Count: 1.76k Content Warnings: A very brief mention of sex Category: Heavy Fluff || One-shot + Preference

[A/N]: I've been wanting to write for her ever since I saw the movie, so thank you for requesting this! I hope you'll like what I was able to come up with. The last part of it was more of a drabble, but overall this was fun to write.

Enjoy!

“Rough day?” Regina had asked you once you seated yourself in the passenger side of her jeep. You blinked, surprised she had already taken notice of your slumped and fatigued demeanor, but you responded regardless. “Yeah, it just felt like today went on forever. I didn’t think eighth period was ever going to end,” you murmured, smirking to yourself, amused. Regina, when you glanced up at her, was frowning at your words. She ignored Gretchen’s request to hurry up so they can get away from the school and instead took hold of your hand, giving it a small squeeze.

Before shifting into reverse and backing out, she lifted your hand up to her lips and pressed a small kiss against the backs of your knuckles. “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll make sure you can relax. It’s the weekend now, so you don’t need to worry about anything.” You hummed and nodded, face slightly flustered from her actions. She shot a grin your way before her attention focused in on the road ahead of her.

Like usual, the Plastics were going to meet up at Regina’s house after classes, just as they always had. Karen and Gretchen planned on informing their Queen Bee Regina about the latest gossip they had heard, though you already knew they had made half of it up just to stir the pot around school. You generally paid no mind to them when they started talking about drama. You couldn’t understand why Regina was so interested in it all – sure, it helped her gain the upper hand here and there, but it hurt so many people in the process.

You grimaced to yourself when you looked out the window, the soreness from the day already creeping up on you and causing you grief. With your focus pointed outside at the passing terrain, you hadn’t taken notice of how Regina peeked over at you, clearly having heard your small hiss of pain when you turned your head. As Cady and the other two Plastics blabbered on about god-knows-what in the backseat, Regina kept her worry centered on you. After you flinched again from hardly moving your limbs, she huffed, making up her mind.

“I’m gonna drop you guys off,” she announced to the girls in the back, who all stared at her for a moment, purely dumbfounded. “What?” Gretchen started, “But we always go to your house after school. You promised we could come today.” “Well, I changed my mind. I’m dropping you off at your houses instead.” Once again, Gretchen tried to argue against this sudden decision, though a sharp glare from Regina quickly forced her to press her lips shut again. She groaned and slouched down into her seat, causing Regina to roll her eyes.

Curiously, you eyed her from your seat. She felt your attention on her and glanced over at you from the corner of her own eye, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. Gently, she squeezed your hand. A silent promise that it would be alright soon.

Almost immediately after making your way into Regina’s bedroom, you spotted one of her shirts draped over the back of the chair stationed at her desk. With a small smile, you plucked it from its original spot and hoisted it over your head, pulling it down over your body and sighing when the scent of her perfume met your senses. Always a comforting smell for you, which she was very much aware of. Each time you came by, she made sure to spray on a little extra.

Your feet led you over to her bed after you kicked your shoes off. Regina was still downstairs, briefly mentioning to her mom that you were going to be staying for the entire weekend. Her mom put up no argument, like usual, and you soon weren’t alone in the room anymore. You had situated yourself on your side of the bed, bundling up against her pillows while you mindlessly scrolled through your phone, and she could feel strings tugging at her heart at the sight, a prideful grin painting her lips.

She joined you on the bed after changing into more comfortable clothes: sweatpants, a loose t-shirt, and the fuzzy socks you had gotten her for her birthday a few months prior. She climbed onto the mattress, sighing at the relief the plushness provided her. Wordlessly, she shuffled until her hip met yours. Her arm slung itself over your shoulder and pulled you to her until your head was resting against her own, then her head dropped to rest on top of yours. Soothingly, her hand ran itself up and down your arm, and her soft lips pressed a chaste kiss to your temple.

Moments like these were what you cherished most. There was no drama to listen to, no prying eyes from other students, no snarky remarks directed your way, no stressful work to deal with. Here, in Regina’s arms, you were able to unwind and feel safe. As she tugged her phone off of her nightstand to click through TikTok, her other hand slid up to your scalp, nails dancing slowly through your hair in such a heavenly way that you couldn’t help but feel your eyes instantly flutter shut at the sensation. When you hummed in satisfaction, she grinned, then pressed another kiss to your skin.

“Ew, why are you back on my feed?” She suddenly questioned beside you. Puzzled, your eyes pried themselves open to glance at her phone, unsure if she was talking to you or not. Thankfully, she was talking about a random girl from school. You couldn’t help but snicker and watch as she immediately tapped the “Not Interested” option and continued her journey through her page. Upon hearing your small laugh, she let out her own and glanced at you.

“What?” Was her question, soft and playful, accompanied by an amused smile as she studied over your features. “Nothing. I just wasn’t expecting you to talk. I thought you were about to fall asleep. I know I am,” you explained, mirroring her smirk.

She shrugged and shook her head, briefly turning back to her phone. “I might. This week kind of kicked my ass.” You could only groan at that for a moment. “Yeah, same.”

A heavy sigh unwillingly slipped past your lips, and you didn’t have to look at her to know she was staring back, fueled with concern. Weakly, you rubbed at your eyes before letting them fall shut again. She said nothing, but you heard her phone click off and get placed back down on her nightstand. Her eyes were trained on you, you knew, but you were too exhausted to meet her gaze.

Instead, you focused in on the comfort she was effortlessly provided you with: fingers toying delicately with your locks, her own weight supporting yours, arm wrapped protectively around your shoulders, occasional pecks against the head. You felt your eyelids growing heavier with each passing moment. A quick yawn passed from you before you nestled further against Regina.

“Scoot closer.” Interrupted from your thoughts and once again being pulled away from sleep, you groaned and opened your eyes, looking up at her with confusion. “What?” “Scoot closer.” You did as told without another word. With a bit of effort thanks to your heavy limbs, you managed to slide over onto your side, which she did in return before pulling your head against her chest. Now feeling fully enveloped in her arms, your body went slack, much to your long-awaited relief. As her hand returned to play with your hair, she shuffled for a bit, trying to get comfortable.

Finally, she settled with a sigh of her own.

“I love you. You know that, right?” She murmured against your head, speech slightly slurred from her own exhaustion. You nodded. “I love you too.” Her nails drug effortlessly against the nape of your neck as she let out a yawn. “If you ever just want us to be alone after school, or… actually, whenever, all you have to do is tell me. I’m gonna get annoyed with Karen and Gretchen anyway, and Cady’s starting to get on my nerves too, so it would be nice to spend more time alone with you.”

A grin broke out across your lips. “Okay.” Silently, you wondered to yourself if she had ever been this soft to anyone before. When you had first gotten together with her, you worried she was going to treat you like she had done to everyone else. However, much to your relief, instead of being met with cold glances and meaningless sex, you found yourself constantly being showered in genuine compliments, longing gazes, soft touches, and plenty of promises for the future.

As she held you in her arms, you couldn’t help but tear up a little, truly feeling safe and secure with every bit of her warmth wrapped around you. Digging your nails into her shirt and burying your face into the soft fabric, you sniffled, which immediately caused her to tense and lean back to look you in the eye. “Woah, baby, what’s wrong?” You laughed and shook your head, the sight of your smile easing her tensed form. “Nothing at all. They’re good tears, I promise.”

Briefly, she eyed you, wanting to ensure you were being truthful. When you softened your gaze and smiled wider, she sighed, nodding and pulling you back against her chest.

Sleepily, Regina huffed out a small chuckle and closed her eyes. “Why’re you wearing my shirt by the way?” She questioned softly. You blushed, one of your hands instinctively slipping down to toy with the collar of said shirt and tug it up to your face. “It just… brings me comfort. That’s all.” You paused. “Is it a bad thing that I’m wearing it?” A quick shake of her head settled your nerves, though she further soothed you anyway. “Of course not. It looks good on you, baby. You should wear my stuff more often.”

You giggled. “I’ll keep that in mind,” you murmured in reply. It only took a few moments before you felt her melt into you. With your head rested against her chest, you were able to feel her breathing even out, slow down, then deepen, signaling she had finally fallen asleep. You yawned, knowing you were going to follow suit shortly after.

Your fingers dug in a little deeper to her shirt as you pulled yourself as close as possible to her. As your eyes fluttered shut, you hummed. “I love you.”

[seoul-bros]

Jikook Week 28 Complete ✔️(18/06 - 25/06/2024)

Their twenty eighth week in the military is now complete and time to celebrate this milestone with a look back at this week in 2020. This really was a jikook extravaganza week. I've never seen so many classic jikook moments all fitted in one week before.

BTS were in the lead up to the release of Map of the Soul 7 The Journey on the 14th July 2020. This was their fourth full length album in Japanese and their eighth studio album overall.

This week a series of photos to accompany the release including these two stunning pictures of Jimin and JK.

Stay Gold was released on 19/06 and this live version on the 22/06.

Also this week, BTS Music Journey Part 1 and Part 2 were released with them talking about their seven years since debut. When asked to say something about Jimin, Jungkook had the following response.

JK: "Jimin-ssi ...... are words necessary" JM: Yes, words are necessary"

JK: "I'm always watching you Jimin-ssi" JM: "I'll work harder"

The interaction itself and Namjoon's reactions in the background send me every time.

Twix Link

Finally on 21/06, it was the jikook - we are gimbap chefs live parts 1 and 2 and afterwards Jimin posted this photo on TwiX. It was the epitome of domesticity and ease and reflected how comfortable they are with each other. Part 1 was the dry run and Part 2 was when they put what they had learned in Part 1 into practice.

In Part 1, they laid out ingredients including Perilla leaves - yep the same Perilla leaves that caused a heated debate in the MBTI episode.

They fielded marriage proposals from ARMY which led Jungkook to swiftly change the subject. Egg gimbap anyone.

Then they got on with the serious business of cooking complete with dramatic soundtrack and sesame oil mishaps.

JK was teasing Jimin and dropping honorifics left, right, and centre...

..and couldn't contain his laughter at Jimin's gimbap slicing.

Not totally satisfied with their initial efforts they launched into Part 2 which went very well indeed.

Cr. to OP

So great to watch that again.

Post Date: 25/06/2024

[ummick]

Schumacher's attitude a 'positive surprise', says WEC team-mate Lapierre

Sportscar racing veteran Nicolas Lapierre says he was "positively surprised" by Alpine team-mate Mick Schumachers attitude from the first day the German stepped into a World Endurance Championship hypercar.

Former Haas Formula 1 racer and current Mercedes reserve Schumacher showed a desire to adjust himself to the multi-driver format of sportscar racing instead of going out for individual glory, according to four-time Le Mans 24 Hours class winner Lapierre. "When Mick came to his first test, it was in Jerez," said Schumacher’s Alpine teammate, Lapierre. "For me, when drivers come in from single-seaters, even more Formula 1, there are two options. Either he wants to be a real sportscar driver, share the car and work with his teammates, or he just wants to shine. I was very positively surprised with Mick since day one. He really wanted to work as a team, and it suits him quite good, as well. And his pace was straight away very fast. This we knew [already]; we had no doubt about this. The only thing now is to have a little bit of traffic management and this kind of stuff, because this is very new [to him]." Schumacher first got a chance to test the Alpine A424 LMDh last October and impressed the French manufacturer enough to earn a seat in its line-up for the 2024 season, joining team stalwarts Lapierre and Matthieu Vaxiviere aboard the #36 car. Prior to his Hypercar move, the German driver spent two seasons competing in F1 with Haas from 2021-22, scoring a best finish of sixth on his second visit to the Red Bull Ring for the Austrian Grand Prix. He remains on Mercedes' books in a reserve role in 2024 and, if required, can be called in by the Brackley-based squad even on WEC race weekends. Lapierre believes Schumacher's experience of working with the title-winning Mercedes F1 squad helps bring a new perspective to the Signatech-run Alpine team. "He is bringing some good stuff from Formula 1 because he is working with one of the best teams on the Formula 1 grid," he said, "so this brings us some fresh ideas, some new feedback, which has also been very helpful in this project." Schumacher spent the 2023 season on the sidelines after being dropped by Haas in 2023 in favour of countryman Nico Hulkenberg, electing not to compete in any other category during his first year out of F1. The German driver reiterated that he is looking for comeback opportunities in grand prix racing, but made it clear his current focus is on his Hypercar programme with Alpine. "I'm here now. What the future holds is quite difficult to predict and foresee," said the 24-year-old. "Obviously my focus for now is WEC, but I would be lying if I would say that I don't have an eye on Formula 1. There are a lot of things happening right now. Who knows what opportunities are presented to myself in a couple of months' time. I will deal with that when it's time." Schumacher, Lapierre and Vaxiviere finished twelfth overall in Saturday's opening round of WEC in Qatar, three laps down on the winning #6 Porsche Penske LMDh of Laurens Vanthoor, Kevin Estre and Andre Lotterer. Alpine stable-mates Paul-Loup Chatin, Ferdinand Habsburg and Charles Milesi scored points in eighth place aboard the #5 Alpine A424 to lead a successful return to Hypercar for the French manufacturer. "We had the pace to fight for the points, which was a bit unexpected, so we can be happy about it and proud of ourselves," said Schumacher. "It’s great the sister car managed to score."

[toasttt11]

august crosby

August Catherine Crosby

Number: 7

Season: Eighth

Position: C

Height: 5”6

Hometown: Halifax, Nova Scotia

S/C: R

NHL: VGK

Prev Team: PIT

NHL

• Selected First overall by the Pittsburgh Penguins in the 2016 NHL Draft.

• Traded to the Vegas Knights for the 2017-2018 season.

International

Team Canada

•2023 World Championship- Gold Medal, 9 G, 8 A, 10 GP.

•2021 World Championship- Gold Medal, 9 G, 9 A, 7 GP

•2016 World Championship- Gold, 10 G, 8 A, 7 GP

•2016 World Junior Championship- Gold, 9 G, 9 A, 7 GP

•2015 World Junior Championship-Gold, 8 G, 9 A, 7 GP

•2014 World U-18 Hockey Challenge- Gold Medal, 7 G, 7 A, 7 GP

•2013 World U-17 Hockey Challenge- Gold Medal, 9 G, 8 A, 6 GP

Eighth Season (2023-2024)

Vegas Knights

42 G, 40 A, 82 P, 50 GP

Signed a 75 million dollar contract for 8 years and five million dollar signing bonus.

Captain.

Seventh Season (2022-2023)

Vegas Knights

58 G, 80 A, 135 P, 81 GP

Received King Clancy Memorial Trophy

Received Hart Memorial Trophy.

Received Art Ross Trophy.

Received Conn Smythe Trophy.

Stanley Cup.

Captain.

Sixth Season (2021-2022)

Vegas Knights

52 G, 77 A, 127 P, 80 GP

Received Hart Memorial Trophy.

Received Art Ross Trophy.

Captain

Fifth Season (2020-2021)

Vegas Knights

50 G, 75 A, 125 P, 75 GP

Received Hart Memorial Trophy.

Received Art Ross Trophy.

Received Ted Lindsay Award.

Alternative Captain

Fourth Season (2019-2020)

Vegas Knights

25 G, 30 A, 55 P, 40 GP

Received NHL Plus-Minus Trophy

Captain

Third Season (2018-2019)

Vegas Knights

48 G, 66 A, 113 P, 79 GP

Received Ted Lindsay Award.

Received Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy.

Signed a six year contract for 50 million and three million signing bonus.

Captian.

Second Season (2017-2018)

Vegas Knights

42 G, 65 A, 107 P, 78 GP

Received Ted Lindsay Award.

Received Hart Memorial Trophy.

Received Lady Byng Memorial Trophy.

Alternate Captain.

Rookie Season (2016-2017)

Pittsburgh Penguins

39 G, 63 A, 102 P, 75 GP

Received the Rookie of the Year award.

Received Art Ross Trophy.

Received Conn Smythe Trophy.

Received Hart Memorial Trophy.

Signed a Contract for 9 Million dollars for two years and a 1 million dollar signing bonus.

Won a Stanley cup.

OHL

Third Season 2015-2016

85 G, 120 A, 205 P, 75 Gp

Captain.

Won OHL Championship.

Draft Year.

Second Season 2014-2015

70 G, 107 A, 177 P, 68 GP

Alternative Captain.

Rookie Season (2013-2014)

56 G, 110 A, 166 P, 68 GP

First player to ever get exceptional Status and joined a year earlier.

Personal

Born September 14, 1998

Daughter of Troy and Tina Crosby

Has two siblings Sidney and Taylor

[dailydemonspotlight]

Day 23 - Halphas

Race: Fallen

Alignment: Neutral-Chaos

April 22nd, 2024

The Lesser Key of Solomon is a common source for demons throughout the SMT series, and for good reason- our favorite Goetic grimoire remains as the biggest still remaining demonic compendium out there, having 72 Marquis of hell to summon to assist in one's daily life. The demons of the Ars Goetia are varied and strange, but one sticks out as a personal favorite of mine- the regal Stock Dove, Halphas.

Listed as the 38th demon within the Ars Goetia, Halphas, also known as Malthus, is known as a "Great Earl," referred to as follows.

"The Thirty-eighth Spirit is Halphas, or Malthus (or Malthas). He is a Great Earl, and appeareth in the form of a Stock-Dove."

While, as with many goetic demons, the description of Halphas is vague, his reign seems to paint a picture of him being well versed in battle and blades, as his domain resides over the stocking of weaponry and sending people out to battle, almost like a tactician. He can also apparently build up towers, likely alluding to an ability to erect massive buildings from the ground in only an instant, owing to his immense demonic power- as a duke of hell, after all, his strength is nigh-unmatched. With a rule over 26 legions of spirits strong, the demonic warlord this bird turns out to be stands in quite interesting contrast to the typical representation of peace that a dove represents.

Design wise, the feathered cap and ruffled frills around the neck paint the image of this bird being some sort of great rich royalty, something supported by its reign as a Great Earl, and the gold blade he wields also gives way to the idea that this bird is a marquis of warfare. Overall a fantastic design filled with unique symbolism, and a personal favorite of mine.

[ct-hardcase]

Since a twitter mutual asked for an Inquisitor canon guide, I'm revamping my answer to an anon to include some more recent inquisitor canon. I'll get into the substantial canon stories first (which I'd say are the proverbial "must watch/read/play"s), and then into the ones where there might be slightly less content in a list below:

Star Wars: Rebels originated the inquisitors in the new canon and the start of their lore, though I'd argue it wasn't the best at handling them. Despite this, I'd recommend starting here. Introduces the Grand Inquisitor, Fifth Brother, Seventh Sister, and Eighth Brother. Also introduces (the ever-elusive) Project Harvester.

Darth Vader (2017): while this is a Vader-focused comic, you get quite a bit of inquisitor lore out of it, and also multiple characters you won’t find anywhere else/many other places. Highly recommend for how it builds up the Grand Inquisitor, Ninth Sister, and Sixth Brother in particular. Also includes the Fifth Brother, Tenth Brother, Iskat, and Tualon in a capacity that develops their characters. The comic additionally goes out of its way to include Seventh, Eighth, and Trilla as background characters. I recommend reading all of it, since I love the way it handles Vader as well, but the inquisitor-focused issues are almost all issues 6-20 minus issues 10 and 18. The writing has some flaws but overall one of my favorite canon comics in terms of story and art.

Jedi: Fallen Order was the blueprint, honestly. What made the inquisitors ascend from goofy side characters in others' stories to tragic villains in their own right. What's not to love about Trilla Suduri? Also provides a fair bit of depth to Ninth Sister, especially in the context of her previous DV (2017) appearances. It also fleshes out the Purge Troopers, who, while not inquisitors, are a fun addition to the organization. Also add a bit of inquisitor capture/initiation lore. I'm not a gamer, so I found a video which compiled all of the story scenes and it did the trick for me (though many gamers do recommend playing).

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Introduces Reva Sevander, and her wonderfully complicated story and character. This is among some of the essential inquisitor watch material for good reason, as it provides context for how inquisitors interpret the group dynamics, as well as a look at their military operations and how a hunt works from their end, somewhat. It also provides some context and/or development for the Grand Inquisitor and Fifth Brother; and introduces the Fourth Sister.

Rise of the Red Blade: The most personal look we get into an inquisitor's backstory and fall, so far (TotE will probably prove me wrong in about a month), this story centers Iskat's time as a Jedi and a bit of her time as an inquisitor. It goes through a Knight's look at the clone wars, and some of the Inquisitor initiation process/first few missions, in addition to glimpses of what a pre-Vader inquisitorius looked like. This book also features Tualon as a prominent character, but notably includes cameos from almost every canon inquisitor minus Reva, Marrok, and Bird Mask.*

*among others, who are more relegated to sourcebooks/secondhand references.

Next on the docket are Barriss' Tales of the Empire shorts, which I assume is going to go into the Inquisitor initiation process in full detail (see also: the reason Delilah Dawson couldn't full delve into it in RotRB), and should feature Barriss, the Fourth Sister, the Grand Inquisitor Marrok, and Bird Mask; and the Inquisitors (2024) comic miniseries coming this summer, which should include the Grand Inquisitor, Fifth Brother, Seventh Sister, and Ninth Sister.

I'll organize the rest by characters that you may want to know more about, though please note that there are minor spoilers for the above series (including character names) in the summaries of the series below:

Grand Inquisitor:

The Servants of the Empire series has some Grand Inquisitor lore with a focus on Zare Leonis and (the ever-elusive) Project Harvester. The Grand Inquisitor serves as an antagonist. This is a Middle Grade series, but it's one of the best MG series I've read in Star Wars.

The Grand Inquisitor has appeared in the Rebels manga adaptation! I haven't read it myself, but the art looks good.

He gets a semi-canon appearance in one short story of Star Wars: Dark Legends. He's got creepy vampire vibes, which are cool, and you also get one of my favorite Order 66 survivors in the dubiously-canon Kira Vantala.

[He also gets a spotlight in Issue 6 of Star Wars (2020). Yes, the comic takes place post-esb. Yes, the Grand Inquisitor is there. This one has the most payoff after reading Vader (2017) and watching swr s1

Will probably have a supporting/important role in Barriss' Tales of the Empire shorts.

Second Sister (Trilla Suduri):

Most of her Material is in JFO, but she also gets a spotlight in Jedi Fallen Order: Dark Temple. Though this five-issue comic focuses mostly on Cere, it gives you some good Second Sister content, presented pre-Trilla reveal in-game. It gives you more of her cool and competent inquisitor vibe that way. Also, the dynamic Trilla has with her Purge Trooper Commander is a bonus for me, in this one.

Third Sister (Reva Sevander):

Sadly, not a lot of supplemental content exists for Reva outside of OWK. I suppose I'm obligated to include the Obi-Wan Kenobi Comic Adaptation, but considering the art is about the equivalent of traced-over screenshots, I feel confident in saying you can skip this one.

Fourth Sister (Lyn):

Her...armor appears in Return to Vader’s Castle 4 and 5. The saboteur wearing it uses her designation, but that's about all the character lore we get. I suspect that more will come in the TotE short.

Will probably have a supporting/important role in Barriss' Tales of the Empire shorts.

Fifth Brother:

He gets a PoV section in Jedi: Battle Scars! Though it's not super substantive, it's the closest we've gotten to a backstory for him, and he gets a hell of a duel in this one. The overall plot is steamy and fun as well, plus Merrin and Fret are worth the price of admission alone.

He also gets a lot of bit parts in other inquisitor media, including OWK and Vader (2017), all of which add up to a more complex character than the man we get in Rebels.

Some comics featuring the Fifth Brother are in the Star Wars Rebels Magazine are in German so if you read the language you’re in luck, but some have been translated into English by fans so you can find them in their tumblr tags.

It seems he'll be a main character in the Inquisitors (2024) comic series.

Sixth Brother (Bil Valen):

The Ahsoka Novel: This is obviously mostly about Ahsoka, but Sixth Brother gets some PoV chapters as well. Though the chapters may initially not seem the most substantive, the other inquisitor canon (plus his scenes in Vader [2017]) builds up around him to end up giving a surprising amount of glimpses into who he is as a person. The Grand Inquisitor also appears here, but his appearance is short enough to not warrant a place in his section.

Seventh Sister:

She plays a somewhat significant role in Iskat's first years in Rise of the Red Blade, though sadly, aside from Rebels, she doesn't have a substantive role in many stories.

Seventh Sister also features in the Star Wars Rebels Magazine stories.

She also seems to be a main character in the Inquisitors (2024) comic series.

Eighth Brother:

Sorry, you're SoL (I say with love; he's my favorite).

In all seriousness, he has one line of dialogue in Vader (2017), and a cameo in Rise of the Red Blade. If he ends up being your favorite, I can help link some interviews from Robbie Daymond about him, or something.

Ninth Sister (Masana Tide):

Aside from a brief appearance in Jedi: Survivor, most of her story takes place in Vader (2017) and JFO.

She also appears to be among the main cast of Inquisitors (2024).

Tenth Brother (Prosset Dibs):

Mace Windu: Jedi of the Republic: A five-issue comic focusing on a strike team of four Jedi in the beginning the clone war, raises questions of what the republic is coming to, and also gives you some of the Tenth Brother’s backstory.

Thirteenth Sister (Iskat Akaris):

She doesn't have much outside of Vader (2017) and RotRB, but considering she's the protagonist of the latter, hopefully that's alright for now.

Tualon Yaluna:

See Iskat's entry above—though he's not the protagonist of RotRB, he gets quite a bit of focus.

Marrok:

One of the antagonists of the Ahsoka show, and primarily appears there.

Will probably have a supporting/background role in Barriss' Tales of the Empire shorts.

Bird Mask:

A note on him is that the jury's split about whether he's actually the Sixth Brother based on his role in Ahsoka's final Tales of the Jedi episode, which is strikingly similar to the Ahsoka Novel. I choose to believe he's not.

Will probably have a supporting/background role in Barriss' Tales of the Empire shorts.

Other Canon Inquisitors/Noncanonical Inquisitors/I'm Bald/Other Nuanced Opinion:

There’s an Inquisitor in the semi-canon Star Wars Visions season 1 episode T0-B1.

There's also an Inquisitor in the semi-canon Star Wars Visions season 2 episode Bandits of Golak.

Per a guidebook released prior to Obi-Wan Kenobi, There was an inquisitor with the designation Third Brother. At this time, we do not know what he looks like, nor has he been confirmed to have been in a story.

Per a TTRPG campaign, there was a female inquisitor who trained the Nightsister Jerserra, who killed her and stole the unidentified inquisitor's lightsaber. We do not have confirmation on who this is.

Maul carries an inquisitor's saber from at least the time of Solo to Star Wars: Rebels. This may or may not belong to an existing canon inquisitor or an as-of-yet-unknown character (it was modeled off of the Grand Inquisitor's, but we can assume this was due to budget concerns).

There's a variety of mobile games, sourcebooks, and other sources that provide a series of blurbs on the canon inquisitors that I haven't kept close track of. While these provide some information, most of it goes over existing information (possibly sourced directly from the Star Wars databank entries or Wookieepedia pages) and rarely do we get any new information from these (and more rarely still does canon actually stick to the information we get from them). These are fun, and can be delved into if you want more detail, but my personal MO is to stick to canon works first.

The slight exception to me is the Lightsaber coffeetable book, which I find has gorgeous (original!) art, and has some blurbs about the inquisitors' fighting styles.

[syncogon]

inktober 2024 review

Completed Inktober 2024! Last time I did this was in 2018, with some dinky little doodles in a notebook. Now I'm learning digital 💪

Prompts were from the QZGS rarepair week for 2024 and 2023. Next year perhaps I'll continue going down the list. I tried to have a specific area/skill I wanted to work on with each day.

Sharing my favorites here! The rest are all at @synco-arts. Please click for full size / colors!

5) "fragile": [RS] This is my favorite shot of the Rainbow Sea OP, which is already such a banger full of symbolism and narrative. The way this moment is directed to make you think you're watching Maidang himself, until the moment he punches and the mirror shatters and you realize—oh, his Rainbow Stone was on the wrong wrist, it was a reflection all along. Timed to the music, it's so excellently done...

9) "wait": [GFS] X waits, alone and helpless, for news of his father's surgery. He can only watch from afar, and the framing of the background is meant to evoke his car window. He didn't want news of his current situation to cause stress that would worsen his father's heart condition, but his absence is already causing stress enough—yet this was the only course he felt he could take to save his family...

13) "caution": [RS] I love Tang Wude and I love this moment, what can I say? Strolls in looking wack and casual, and then immediately establishes dominance over a crew of criminals. Umbrella users my beloved. This one might be my favorite overall due to all the colors and lighting, and the background was so much fun to draw!

17) "precious": [YB2] Eighth Room is so precious to me. Just look at them! I think this was the one I spent the most time on? This is a redraw of a shot from one of the reality shows the actors filmed together. Spent some time debating what hairstyles to give them; I need to give it some more thought still.

18) "abandon": [TKA] I want to get better at putting together nice sketch pages! Also at hands lol. I was surprised? impressed? that I managed to make Tyranny ZJL look older and more tired compared to HB ZJL—I'm not sure if it was even so distinct in the original.

19) "past": [YB1] I liked the composition of these images, and drawing this moment upon the brushstrokes of the background. I think about this flashback and cri everytime

23) "foreign": [YB2] I wanted to practice side profiles, didn't like how his turned out, but then really DID like the second sketch I did, which was way more fun than I anticipated. He looks cool! Maybe too cool. The extremely intricate outfits are fun to depict in sketch form, and I like his hairstyle here even though everyone was roasting it lol. The lines of the background are just roughly meant to evoke what was actually in the bg of the reference shot, but I quite liked the effect.

25) "freedom": [YB2] I just really like how Chu Niao turned out here, with the details of her costume and her expression. Look at them talking about their future 🥺

26) "peak": [YB2] I think this was the only painterly one I did, but I liked how the vibes turned out—the half-obscured fire, the costume of a god, the crouched figures, the distant mountains and clouds. A unique shot that should be very distinct to those who've watched.

29) "color": [YB2] As you can see I was feeling very emo about YB2 in the latter half of the month haha. This was such an emotionally charged scene and there are 3000 words packed into Wen Wuqi's glance back as Hua Cishu carefully avoids meeting the gaze of someone he's not supposed to know...

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 3/5

Book Blurb:

When two ex-best friends decide to hold a competition for the new girl's heart, they don't expect to fall for each other instead.

Emma has been a thorn in Caleb’s side since middle school. Having tarnished their friendship in eighth grade, she’s now little more to him than an unkempt,unruly, disastrous bisexual mess. Over the years, she’s gotten in the way of every romantic relationship he’s attempted to settle into, using little more than mischievous charisma to lure them into her clutches.

To Emma, Caleb sets the record for World’s Largest Stick in the Mud. Uptight,unbearably tidy, and a rule-follower, he’s exactly the kind of boring person her mother wishes she was. When she discovers they’re both after Juliet, the new girl, Emma proposes a competition to nudge him out of the way. Whoever can get Juliet to kiss them first wins, and the opposition must bow out with the promise of never talking to her again.

But plans go awry when Juliet seems mostly interested in hanging out with both of them together. Emma and Caleb just have to figure out whether winning Juliet’s heart is worth the torment of constantly dealing with each other, andthe risk of reopening wounds from a past they thought they had left behind.

Review:

Two Bi ex-best friends with the same crush on the same girl decide to enter into a competition to win her heart... but might be falling for each other instead! Emma and Caleb were best friends since middle school, always getting into trouble and being polar opposites. Yet when they finally have a falling out and they both realize that they are both falling for the same new girl, Juliet, Emma proposes a competition: whoever can get Juliet to kiss them first wins and the opposite person has to bow out with the promise to never talk to Juliet again. Yet things take a turn when Juliet is interested in hanging out with both of them and Emma and Caleb begin spend more time together... and opening their hearts up to one another again. This was an okay read for me, I really was hoping for a bit more and I was hoping I would be abesolutely in love with it because who doesn't love a messy bi romance filled with drama?? The premise sounds like a blast but the story just felt okay to me. I didn't particularly care all that much for Emma and Caleb and there wasn't that much of a character development. Overall, it's an okay read.

Release Date: July 23, 2024

Publication/Blog: Ash and Books (ash-and-books.tumblr.com)

*Thanks Netgalley and PENGUIN GROUP Penguin Young Readers Group | Viking Books for Young Readers for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

[the-sweet-hibiscus]

2023 fic round up

borrowed this idea from several people but specifically @liminal-zone @softlighter @conundrumoftime & @thecoziestbean

Fanworks

posted

Baby, I'm Jealous (LOTR | Haladriel | step-cest | Rated E)

Eyes to Welcome You Home (Shadow & Bone | Darklina | Age-gap | Rated E)

It's a vicious cycle, baby (Shadow & Bone | Darklina | step-cest | Rated E)

Belonephobia (Marvel / Spiderman | Migwen | non-con/kidnapping | Rated E)

je te vuex (discontinued) (Shadow & Bone | Darklina | Best Friend's Brother | Rated E)

Mountain Glory (Call of Duty | Simon "Ghost" Riley/OFC | One Bed Trope | Rated E)

wips

• Lost In Translation (LOTR | Haladriel | the all too well AU)

• Take Me (In the Midnight Hour) (LOTR | Haladriel ) In an attempt to find herself, Galadriel ends up in the tangled web of lies orchestrated by the man she thought didn't exist.

• Lose Control (coming back to AO3 in 2024) (LOTR | Haladriel | Dystopian ABO) Galadriel starts to question the legitimacy of the City after witnessing the harsh treatments of Alphas that come to her door. With the mounting coldness and hostility coming from her family and her government, Galadriel must choose between acceptance or trusting Halbrand and the alphas in the Lower City.

• Untitled (Marvel / Spiderman | Migwen) Detectives Miguel O'Hara and Gwen Stacy must work together to solve a series of murders while denying their own pasts with each other.

• The Office (Marvel / Spiderman | Hobbie x Margo)

• Crimson Clover (LOTR | Haladriel)

Total number of completed works/fandoms written in: 6 Complete Works (5 technically), nearly 57K words combined; 3 Shadow & Bone, 1 Marvel / Spiderman, 1 LOTR, and 1 Call of Duty

OVERALL THOUGHTS: I'm slow but I still like (most of) what I published. Also clearly not built for non-explicit writing.

MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED: Eyes to Welcome You Home might be my favorite of the year. It was written during one of the worst trips of my life to bury my aunt, and I think that it helped at least keep me distracted enough from grief to help my family where needed. My favorite part was the hopeful ending.

MOST POPULAR: It's a vicious cycle, baby with 246 Kudos. This was part of the Darklina Spring Fling and probably the last time I was my most active in the darklina fandom. I was a silly goober for posting early and not understanding how to post to the collection. In my defense, I am just a baby.

STORY WITH THE SEXIEST MOMENT: OOOF this is hard. But! I have to give it to Mountain Glory, when OFC watches Gaz jerking Soap while Ghost fucks her? It's called team bonding.

MOST FUN STORY TO WRITE: Another win for Mountain Glory. Probably my least second (eighth) guessed story? And probably the quickest one, where the words came easily and I didn't spend two months debating if it made sense.

HARDEST: A tie between Eyes to Welcome You Home and Belonephobia because they both came during a heavy time in my life. Like many 2023 was filled with loss but for as hard as they were to write I'm glad I did.

BIGGEST SURPRISE: This is so hard! But I think the reception to Belonephobia! I was so critical of it, especially with using a beta reader for the first time in a long time so when people seemed to enjoy it I was floored.

DID YOU TAKE ANY RISKS IN WRITING THIS YEAR? I think branching further in to actually doing multi-chapters? I stuck to posting longer one shots but towards the end of the year I really started planning and writing my first long multi-chapter fics.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TELLING STORY: Lose Control (recently hidden, sorry) has a lot of direct correlation to how I feel about living in America this year. Take Me more closely resembles my relationship with alcohol so there's that lol.

FAVORITE LINES/SCENES: Ooo okay okay okay. I'm going to have to cheat and pull from Lose Control. It's the scene where Galadriel first sees Halbrand, and I just really like how it came out.

But the young collector looks up, for just a second. My heart beats loudly in my chest, filling my ears with the sound of rushing water as our gazes connect. It could not have lasted more than two seconds, but it felt like an eternity. There is something that comes, unbidden, from the recesses of my mind. Alpha.

The word pushes through as if breaking through a dense fog. I nearly scream, frightened by the uncontrolled thought that threatened to seep out of the confines of my mouth. The Zevalise should've prevented it. The Zevalise was supposed to be stronger than our urges. Stronger than the genome. The young collector's eyes bulged minutely – as if he could hear the dangerous thought take shape inside me. He turns abruptly, and his partner takes the case.

They leave, and my mother turns to fuss at me again. She's speaking again, but it doesn't register.

I am frozen. Deaf to the world as I tried to piece together what just happened. I tried, in vain, to understand the thudding in my chest, the rapid decentralization of all my senses from just the connected sight of an alpha. My mouth dries out, and I gaze blankly into my mother's eyes as she makes her final adjustment. I hope she doesn't see right through me.

I wish for no one to see me at all.

MY FAVE PART OF FANDOM IN 2023: Meeting some of my favorite people via the Haladriel & Darklina fandom! Some of the most accepting people I know and I love them dearly for being there during some of the craziest moments. A lot of times it felt like I was going insane with other people in the fandom spreading lies & contextless biases. But it was nice to have people who could objectively come together and acknowledge that "no, I see it to. You're not alone in this."

2024 WRITING AMBITIONS: I'm going to attempt to 1) Write every weekday and plot/edit on weekends, 2) post a completed multi-chapter (more than 5) work, and 3) write at least 100K this year. But most importantly, I would like to actually take more time in editing/writing, and just generally improving.

2024 FICS ON THE IMMEDIATE HORIZON: I don't plan to post in January, however, my next one-shot is likely the Brother's Best Friend Call of Duty AU with Ghost x OFC.

[head-post]

Last day of the Paris Olympics: closing ceremony, no Romanian PM, flag bearers

After weeks of intense competition, international athletes are set to say “au revoir” at the closing ceremony of the Paris 2024 Games on Sunday, 11 August.

Romania’s Prime Minister will not be in attendance

Marcel Ciolacu will not attend the final ceremony. He was not pleased with the way the women’s gymnastics individual event ended. After the competition, Romanian gymnast Ana Barbosu and spectators thought she was winning the bronze medal. She and her coaches even raised their country’s flag and started celebrating. Meanwhile, US gymnast Jordan Chilis’ coaches appealed to the judges, which was successful. This raised Chilis’ score by 0.1 points, which was enough to knock Barbosa out of third place.

Closing Ceremony

In contrast to the rather ambitious, controversial and caused a lot of misunderstandings and nuances of the opening ceremony, the closing ceremony will follow a more traditional path. First, the head of the host nation’s state enters along with the president of the International Olympic Committee. Then the national anthem of the host country is played or sung as the host country’s flag is raised. Other traditional elements include a parade of flags, a parade of athletes and the handing over of the Olympic flag to the representative of the host city four years later.

The closing ceremony takes place at the Stade de France stadium, north of Paris, where the rugby and track and field events took place. The ceremony will include several traditional elements, among them final medal presentations, a parade of athletes and the handover of the Olympic flag to Los Angeles for the 2028 Games. The stadium has hosted several events during the Games, including record-breaking track races and a historic first leg for the US women’s rugby team.

The artistic director of the event is Thomas Jolly, the man responsible for the unique opening ceremony, however many details are secret, but Jolly has indeed offered something of a sneak preview, stating the ceremony will be a visual, very choreographed, very acrobatic show with an operatic dimension. In addition, viewers can expect to see over 100 acrobats and aerial performers, and the closing ceremony should also feature big-name musicians.

Since the United States, in the face of Los Angelas, will take on the role of the next host for the 2028 Olympics, Tom Cruise, who is currently in Europe on a film shoot, is set to play the lead role in the closing ceremony. He is due to perform an impressive sequence of stunts to mark the passage of the Games from Paris to Los Angeles, which will feature the passing of the Olympic flag from one city to the other. The cast list will see Californian A-list performers Billie Eilish and the Red Hot Chili Peppers performing from Los Angeles.

US Team flag bearers

Swimmer Katie Ledecky and rower Nick Mead will be the flag bearers during the closing ceremony. Ledecky is the most decorated female Olympian of all time, winning her 14th medal after running the 800m freestyle on August 3. She won the gold medal in the event, securing her ninth gold overall. Mead won the gold medal along with teammates Liam Corrigan, Michael Grady and Justin Best in the men’s rowing event. It was the first time since 1960 the US team won the tournament, CBS News reported.

Last day of the Olympic Games: Results

The United States, one gold behind China in the battle at the top of the medals table, can add another when they face Italy in the women’s volleyball final.

The US women’s basketball team is chasing a historic eighth consecutive gold against French rivals fuelled by the “love” of their fans. US women have won basketball gold at the last seven Olympic Games, starting with Atlanta in 1996.

Weightlifting concludes with the battle to become the strongest woman at the Games in the over-81kg category, led by China’s world record holder Li Wenwen.

Old rivals Serbia and Croatia meet for gold in men’s water polo in what could be a feisty affair.

Four golds have yet to be decided in track cycling, while the title could be taken in the modern pentathlon.

In the men’s handball final, Germany are in their first gold medal match in 20 years, where they will meet Denmark, who are in their third consecutive final.

The Danes were champions in Rio 2016 but finished runners-up to France in Tokyo three years ago.

Read more HERE

[doyoulikethissong-poll]

Ariana Grande - Yes, And? 2024

"Yes, And?" is a song by American singer Ariana Grande, released on January 12, 2024, as the lead single from her upcoming seventh studio album Eternal Sunshine. Written and produced by Grande, Max Martin and Ilya Salmanzadeh, the song is a house and pop track with ballroom elements. A remix of the song with Mariah Carey was released on February 16, 2024.

The single debuted at number one on the US Billboard Hot 100, becoming Grande's sixth number-one debut and eighth overall number-one single, as well as her 21st top-ten on the chart. It additionally earned Grande her third number-one single on the Billboard Global 200 chart. "Yes, And?" earned Grande her seventh number one single in Canada. In the UK, it debuted at the runner-up position of the UK Singles Chart on January 19, 2024, marking Grande's 21st top-ten entry in the country. It was the most-streamed track in the UK that week according to the Official Charts Company, as well as being the top selling song of the week, prompting it to debut at number one across all UK singles sales charts. It peaked within the top-five of the singles charts in Ireland, Portugal, France, Norway, and Luxembourg. It debuted at number two on the Australian ARIA Singles Chart, and debuted at number three on the New Zealand Singles Chart. In Latin America, it reached the top-ten in Puerto Rico, Chile, El Salvador and Panama.

"Yes, And?" received a total of 37,9% yes votes.

[bearterritory]

Bears Three-Peat For Third Time

Papanikolaou Wins MVP As Cal Claims 17th National Title

LOS ANGELES – They didn't want to talk about it all season long. So, no one really brought it up.

But, with so much proven talent returning and the established championship pedigree on their team, every Golden Bear knew there was only one real mission in 2023 – to become just the fourth men's water polo team ever to win three straight national titles.

California (24-5) accomplished that mission, defeating top-seeded UCLA 13-11 at Uytengsu Aquatics Center behind a third straight NCAA Championship MVP performance from Nikolaos Papanikolaou. After dispatching #1 USC on Saturday, the Bears were once again able to tackle another championship game with laser focus.

"Incredibly proud of these guys. Everything that they battled through this year," Cal head coach Kirk Everist. "It's only been done a few times. To be able to figure out how to win three in a row is something that's very rare, but this is an extremely rare group. I'm proud to be a part of it."

For much of the game, the only way the Bruins (26-3) could stop the two-time Cutino Award winner from scoring was by fouling him. In the four possessions following Papanikolaou's seventh drawn exclusion early in the third quarter, the Bears got the separation they needed, scoring three unanswered goals to put them up 12-6.

UCLA clawed its way back and would have cut Cal's lead to just two goals on a promising counter attack at the end of the third period if not for a heroic save by goalkeeper Adrian Weinberg. The three-time ACWPC All-American finished with 11 saves, including four in the fourth quarter.

The Bruins did eventually cut the deficit to 12-10 with 5:36 left in the game, but Max Casabella answered with a dagger from straightaway on the following play, lasering in his fifth goal straight down off the crossbar. Casabella and Weinberg both joined Papanikolaou on the NCAA All-Tournament First Team, while Jake Howerton earned second-team honors.

"There was a lot of adversity this season, but the best part about this group is we're always going to stick together no matter how bad it gets," Weinberg said. "I was pretty confident (since the start of the season) that we'd make it here."

With time on their side, the Bears leaned on their defense and let the clock run out, cementing their place alongside Cal's 1973-75 and 1990-92 squads as the only Golden Bear teams to win three straight national titles.

"It's pretty nice. You don't accomplish something like this without incredible players," said Everist, who won his sixth NCAA championship as a coach and eighth overall. "It takes a lot more than just great players to do this time and time again though. I'm just grateful to have been around these guys."

After missing the first two games of the tournament, Roberto Valera returned in a big way, contributing to more goals than any other player with four goals and two assists. Albert Ponferrada finished with game highs of four assists and three steals.

A send-off following a third straight championship game victory was always going to be the best possible scenario for Cal's nine-man senior class of 2023 – eight of whom are in their fifth year as Bears. Everist reiterated how proud he was for all that they've battled through and accomplished for the program, while Papanikolaou and Weinberg lightheartedly joked about where this championship ranks among the three.

"I think both of us can agree that this one was very special because it was a culmination of everything we worked for," Weinberg said. "It's very special and it hasn't really registered yet, but it probably will in about a week."

Weinberg ends the year with 984 career saves, placing him at No. 3 all-time in MPSF history. Still fresh off winning a gold medal for Team USA at the Pan American Games in November, Weinberg is hopeful to continue competing at the highest level for Team USA as it prepares for the 2024 Paris Olympics.

Papanikolaou reached a tally of 253 goals which ranks No. 2 all time at Cal. But according to Everist, when it comes to overall Cal legends, that's not where he places Papanikolaou in the rankings.

"I played with a guy who lives in Greece now. His name's Chris Humbert. He, rightfully so, thinks that he's the best player who ever played at Cal," Everist said. "I keep telling him he's the second-best player, but he would say, 'I have 3 championships and [Papanikolaou] only has two.' So, now I can text him and say, 'Alright, take a step down.'"

No. 2 California 13, No. 3 UCLA 11 Cal 4 5 3 1 – 13 UCLA 2 4 3 2 – 11 Cal Goals: Max Casabella 5, Roberto Valera 4, Nikolaos Papanikolaou 2, Garrett Dunn, Nik Mirkovic UCLA Goals: Rafael Real Vergara 3, Frederico Jucá Carsalade 2, Ben Liechty 2, Makoto Kenney 2, Marcell Szécsi, Giorgio Alessandria Cal Saves: Adrian Weinberg 11 UCLA Saves: Garret Griggs 9